Bizarre Marriage

December 6, 2008

I’m Not a ‘Ho

Filed under: About Her, Asian Women, This and That — Tags: , , , — Vienna @ 12:24 pm

This week’s post is totally different from the regular posts you normally read here and that is because it is from our guest writer, Kate Yu. I suppose her honest and figurative tone definitely gives an interesting color to this blog.

Kate is a talented young writer who is currently teaching in China while pursuing a career in writing. Her blog, Live Out of the Box, showcases not only her opinions and advices on traveling, teaching, personal development, and other things but also her writing prowess. I met her through her blog and I have to say that I was, and still am, impressed by her works. When I learned that she writes guest posts, I didn’t hesitate to ask her to make one for Bizarre Marriage even if I know that she’s not in an intercultural relationship because I believe that an opinion from her, a nonconformist outsider, is still worth reading.

***

I saw her grinding the dance floor with a man old enough to be in her grandfather. She could’ve been fourteen but it was hard to tell with her thigh length shorts and f— me boots. She was allowing him full of access to her chest and her face was practically covered by his saliva. I was disgusted with such blatant display of pedophilia and wondered why she would stoop so low till I saw a glint of his balding golden hair and the wallet full of cash.

Ah.

She was a Pinay whore.

It’s women like these that can give decent Pinays a bad name. All you have to say is one word, “Filipina.” and foreign men look upon you as fresh meat they want to jump into bed with. I’ve had this experience in China where I work as a teacher. Just by saying my nationality was enough for one American to tag along with us for half an hour uninvited, a leery glimmer in his eye. My friend Belle told a Frenchman where she was from and was immediately offered HK$5,000 on the spot for one night.

What’s a decent girl to do? Whoredom isn’t our profession but it might have well been tattooed on our foreheads. It’s hard to shake away this tainted assumption what for every Filipino woman earning a respectable living out there, there’s twice the number of hoes spreading their mocca colored legs.

Worse than whores, are those notorious Filipina gold-diggers who milk men endlessly for their money and a one way ticket to their country. A cloud of this doubt settled in on Chinese expat Shelly’s relationship. She was in love with Harry, a scholarly Brit till he accused her one night in a jealous rage of using him to get into UK. “I don’t need your goddamned passport!” she snarled. “And FYI, you can keep your cash because I make more money than you!”. That was the last Harry saw of her.

These are just some of the many problems other Filipinas encounter should they ever find love in a foreign man’s arms. It’s sad that such relationships would be stained with such stereotyping. But as long as families remain unfed, Filipinas as young as twelve year olds would be forced to take up the garter belt to please the sex-starved old men in the world. The unclean assumptions would continue to spread like unshakeable noxious smog. And for the rest with decent jobs? Spat at those who misjudge you and prove them wrong. No matter how much false misconception is out there, we have enough guts to rise above it. If he still thinks of you as some cheap hussy, then leave him with your dignity and respect intact. You’re worth way more than that and you know it.

Whoever said love was easy?

August 11, 2008

Online Dating 101: The Big Plunge

Filed under: Asian Women, Before the Wedding, This and That — Tags: , — ruthi @ 9:44 am

PhotobucketMaking that big decision to take online dating seriously is a leap of faith. It is a leap of faith because you have a certain degree of hope in your heart that somehow… somewhere… someday… you will meet that special someone whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. It is a leap of faith because at the back of your mind there are uncertainties but still you somehow hope that your perseverance will eventually pay off. It is a leap of faith because despite the qualms, you have the confidence that somewhere you will finally have a positive conclusion to your future. And it is a leap of faith because there is also a great chance that there is actually no one there for you and what you only have is your hope and faith.

However, once you set on a sail to the ocean of great opportunities you have great prospect of catching the biggest fish. The saying… there are lots of fish in the ocean… is quite true. There are indeed lots of fish in the ocean but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is easy to catch one. There are indeed lots of fish in the ocean but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will catch one. There are indeed lots of fish in the ocean but it doesn’t necessarily mean your work is done.

Catching the big fish in the big ocean entails a lot of hard work, patience and perseverance.

1. HARD WORK: Honestly, this is the easy part because you already did half of it. You already accepted your present predicament and that alone entails a real hard work. It makes it easy if you already made your mission statement and have a vision. But the other half of this part which is hard is dealing with your present predicament in a more drastic way. The real hard part is paddling your way to the open ocean of opportunity. The real hard part is casting your net in the ocean of uncertainties. The real hard part is playing the waiting game.

2. PATIENCE: You need it. You need lots of it. And you need it without limitations. If your middle name isn’t “Patience” you better get yourself baptized again. Fishing is a “waiting game” and patience is literally your “bait“. Patience will keep you in the game. Patience will fuel your motor to keep sailing. Patience will give you the power to hold on to the fishing net. Without patience your hopes and fears are just that… hopes and fears.

3. PERSEVERANCE:Hard work and patience get a real backing up with perseverance. They both get a big push with perseverance on hand because hanging on gives one the benefit of the doubt for the hard work done and the profit of being patient. Online daters should be tough. Online daters should be vigilant. Online daters should have a certain degree of firmness to keep with the ocean current and tides and to be able to do that, you need perseverance.

I have been into online dating for 4 long years before I met my husband. But four long years of hard work, patience and perseverance are not long enough to consider if I have to wait for my Prince Charming for a lifetime. For four long years, I caught all kinds of fish – in all sizes, colors and shapes. For four long years, I have been in real virtual relationships that I couldn’t imagine in the real world. For four long years, I have been in and out of virtual relationships that I almost backed out and sailed back ashore. But then, I had to work harder. I was patient. And I persevered.

The big plunge isn’t about sailing. The big plunge isn’t about catching the big fish. The big plunge isn’t about taking home the big catch of the day and wait for the sun to shine. Nope. The big plunge is about you not sitting on the boat and just casting down your net or fishing pole and take all the fish the will be trapped in the net or those that will bite the bait. The big plunge is about you diving into the big ocean and swimming with the big fish and catching them by your bare hands because in reality, those fish are also there catching fishes. Yap. You are also the fish in the ocean of great opportunity. You are not just catching the fish but you are also a big fish waiting to be caught.

Four long years of playing the catching and waiting game took a toll on me. I was at the brink of giving up until I got tight grasp of the whole idea of online dating. Being a fish in the ocean I was able to learn the ocean current and tide on virtual relationships. It was tough. I met a lot of prospective partners and get an average of 2 marriage proposals in a day. But of course, those are just bait. I had a couple of real serious relationships that lasted more than 6 months with regular chat, phone calls and [broken] promises. One actually visited me in person but then reality knocked and I found out he wasn’t the big fish after all. I had my moments in the virtual world. And just like any normal relationships I had some petty quarrels to deal with… sleepless nights to get over with… feeling of depression to handle with… and at the end of the day, I have to check the clouds again for a tiny hint of silver lining.

Four long years of battling with personal disappointments on virtual relationship [yes, it is inevitable too] was monumental enough for me to give up any grain of hope left in my bucket. But just I was about to sign off and call it a day and turn off the button… a big fish caught me… and I caught him back. ©

July 18, 2008

Online Dating 101: The Age Factor

Filed under: About Her, Asian Women, Cultural Differences, This and That — Tags: — ruthi @ 12:06 pm

PhotobucketFor 40-ish women seeking lifetime partner and romance online, age factor is the next big thing. There is no sense in defying age because the truth will always hunt you down. Your age has a big factor both for you as a seeker and the person you are seeking for. If you are within this age range you either are looking for a partner who are of the same age or a bit older than you are but very rare that you will be looking for partners half your age unless you are Samantha Jones of Sex in the City.

Since you already accepted the fact that you are not getting any younger, you have to realize that age factor is a vital point in goal setting. This is important because you will need it as a point of preference for seeking your match. There are 3 age categories that you have to consider.

1. Chronological – This is your “real” age. It is based on the real date of your birth (day, month and the year). Most women always lie about it. They always avoid any question leading to it. And they always deny it. This category is always abused, altered and misrepresented. Some can get away without a problem. Others are caught red-handed. And a few ones are still in the state of denial. So, when you go online, you either tell the truth or lie about your age. It’s your choice. Just remember, God is watching you.

2. Biological – This is your age based on your physical appearance. You may be familiar with the saying… you don’t look your age. Well, it maybe two things. Either you look older than your age or otherwise. If you look younger that your age, you will feel motivated and proud of yourself. You will have no problem telling someone your chronological age because you love to hear them say… “Really? You look younger! I thought you are only 26 years old”. For a 40-ish woman, this is a big thing. [I know how it feels, trust me.] But if you look older than your age, you might want to deny it. Sometimes you will feel discouraged but don’t lose hope there are lots of options you can take. Invest on your appearance. Upgrade your lifestyle and you’ll never go wrong with that.

3. Psychological – This is the age that you set your mind on. So, this is a mind-set age, so to speak. This is the age that you want to stay in forever. This is the number of candles that you constantly put in your birthday cake year after year after year. This is the age that you tell people [without guilt] when they asked how old are you and it remains constant.

Here’s the thing, when I was in the US Embassy waiting for my interview for my Fiancé Visa, I met a few women who were there for the same purpose. I met a 19-year old girl whose fiancé is a 40-something divorcee whom she doesn’t know what kind of works he does. I met a 26-year old woman whose fiancé is a 71-year old widower. I also met a 40-year old separated lady with a 9-year old daughter [who was also included in the petition] whose fiancé is a 50-year old single but with 2 kids. And I am a 42-year old [virgin] never been married and no kids whose fiancé is a 50 year old divorcee with 3 kids. The bottom line is… age may be a big factor, so you might want to consider it in your decision making process.

When you are at this age, it’s very rare that you might find the most eligible-never-been-kissed-never-been-hitched-and-never-been-screwed-up bachelors online. The guys you will meet online seeking for relationships [serious or otherwise] are either single with kid/s or divorcee [with or without kid/s] or widower [with or without kid/s]. So be prepared for the extra baggage because that is something you cannot get rid of.

When you are 40-ish woman, there is no room for being fussy. You cannot be picky because you are buying times already. And with this in mind, there is one question you need to answer with all honesty – am I ready for THE BIG PLUNGE ©

June 18, 2008

Online Dating 101: Getting Started

Filed under: About Her, Asian Women, This and That — Tags: , — ruthi @ 10:48 am

PhotobucketWhen I started learning how to use the computer I was only thinking how it will help me with my line of work. Being a teacher, it helped me a lot with my lessons and grade computations. Little did I know that it will also help me find a husband.

In online Dating, decision making is a painstaking process especially if you are not sure of its possible outcome. Even if you were able to make a [fuzzy] mission statement and a [vague] vision of your future in online dating, still there will be a shade of apprehension about the upshot of what you might be deciding on. We both know too that mission and vision are still elusive at this point due to some uncertainties that you harbor at the back of your mind because honestly, the reality is still surreal especially if you are the conventional and typical kind of person.

When I started learning to know the great possibilities that I can do with the computer, it dawned on me how important this tool not only in my work but in my future as well. I took advantage of those opportunities that I can get out of it. I used them to the fullest. I taught myself to use them to benefit my love life. I explored all options that could be advantageous to my personal concerns. And I am now enjoying the result of my hard work.

Yes, online dating is a real hard work just like any other relationship for that matter. And one of the hardships that you will encounter is – getting started. It’s hard to start especially if you do not know what to do… where to go… when to go… and how to go there.

In order to get started, you should be able to deal with the 3 Ws and an H.

WHAT: This is the first issue that you need to address with all honestly. By this time, you should already have a clear idea of “what” you want to do with you life. But this is not really that complicated anymore when you already have your mission statement. In other words, the “what” is your starting point to the next step of the decision making process which is… to figure it out how you will make your mission-vision come true. The “what” will be then more tangible and concrete and this will guide you to “where” you want to go.

WHERE: Where – is always associated with location, a special place or a respite where you can search for that one special someone in your vision. So it could be first and foremost, the place where you will go online. It could be the internet café or a friend’s place or your own [In my case, I used all of the above]. Once you have decided on that, “where” is also the specific place where you see your vision being manifested. This means that you must have in mind which part of the world your special someone must come from. Please be aware that there is a great possibility that once you found your soul mate and when things between you get serious, the odds of you being relocated is huge. You will have to accept the fact that you will have to give up everything [I mean it] in order to be with that someone. But if your dream is to live and work abroad, then this is not a problem at all. Where also denotes two actual places: the free social network [like YM Chatroom, where I found my guy] and paid matchmaking network [like eHarmony and others]. (Note: There will be a separate article on this special topic.)

WHEN: When – refers to time. This is a very important factor in online dating. You must have it. You must commit to it. You must give in to it. There should be no alibi now. Having no time is not an excuse for you to go online. Once you have the time, you will soon develop a habit and that is common… that is natural… and that is the norm for anyone who decided to seek online dating. You will be hooked once you learned how to do it. You will have sleepless nights and you might want to give up your night job or God forbids… even your day job just to be online 24/7. It’s addictive. That is one of the downside of it.

HOW: This is the go-getter of the entire process. Technically, the “how” is the skill that you need to acquire to be able to make your mission statement and vision a reality. First, you need to learn the basic skill in computing. And from there you are good to go. You don’t have to be a computer savvy. Nope, you only need to know some special commands and everything will be a breeze. You can ask help from the staff of the internet café or your friends and anyone who are available and willing to help you and you are all set. Once you learn the skill you are now ready to catch the biggest fish in the ocean. You are now licensed to fish.

But there is still one W that is not mentioned from the discussion above. That W stands for – the WHO. It was not really mentioned because this issue is kinda subjective. Of course you already have in your mind what kind of a person you are looking for, the place where you might want to spend the rest of your life but never whom you are spending it with… that is why you are seeking. The “who” is that person you are looking for and you will be amazed with the result. Here, you don’t need any skill. What you do need is – the faith. The “who” is the W that will give your search a spice of mystery. Now that you know all these… are you ready to be the big “S”? THE SEEKER, that is. ©

June 8, 2008

Online Dating 101: The Mission

Filed under: About Her, Asian Women, Cultural Differences, This and That — Tags: , , , — ruthi @ 7:39 pm

PhotobucketFinally, you have accepted the fact that you need someone to make your life complete. You accepted the reality that you need someone to grow old with. And you accepted the truth that you are not getting any younger. The next step to do now is… to set a mission. Draw a personal mission statement that will fuel your personal undertaking with burning desire.

Yes, you have to psyche yourself up that you are ready to dig in. Set a goal. Have a clear objective of what you want to do. Draw your personal aspiration. Present your mission statement with solid conviction. Come up with a hard rationale why you want to go on online dating. And find a firm motivation to make you decisive.

When you have decided that you want to invest on a cyber relationship, you already have an idea on how your fairytale will achieve the happy-ever-after. Of course, we all want that happy ending. We all want our relationship to last forever. We all want the till-death-do-us-part become a reality. But relationship is a hard work. So you better set that goal. What do you want in a relationship? What can you sacrifice for a relationship? How do you sustain a relationship? Like any relationship, we always look for the positives. But we should also consider the fact that there are always two sides of the coin.

Wanting a relationship means you know the difference between wants and needs. Are you looking for love because you want it or you need it? Because eventually you may be asked – Do you want me because you need me or you need me because you want me? You have to be ready to answer that question and justify your answer. Notice that I have not mentioned the magic word – LOVE, yet. Because love is the aftermath of all the troubles that you will go through… if and when you will get lucky. Please note that not all will be successful in finding one-true-love in Online Dating. Online Dating is only one of the options.

In any relationship, love should be one’s goal. But in reality, I know this is not all so true. There are people who are seeking “love” [the most abused word in the dictionary] for personal convenience and there are lots of those in Online Dating. And everybody who engaged in this dating business is aware of that. There is nothing wrong if you are looking for love because you are afraid to grow old alone, you just wanted a future. There is nothing wrong if you are looking for love because you need someone to pay your bills, you are just being practical. There is nothing wrong if you are looking for love because you want to go abroad, you just want to fulfill your dream. There is nothing wrong if you need a father/mother for your kids, you just need someone to lean on. Whatever your reason is, it could be considered a shallow “mission” just yet. But that could be the start. What is wrong is, taking advantage of that person you found online, using him/her and damping him/her once you get what you want. You will be surprised that there are lots of people with the same agenda as yours. But still there is really such a thing as “love in cyber-nation”. Just be honest with your purpose. You don’t have to say it bluntly and right away the first meeting or you will shoo that person right away.

My hubby was already engaged to be married to another Pinay [annulled with two kids] when I met him online. He told me that very first meeting that his Filipina girlfriend just died and he was lonely and he wanted to meet someone again. He was so honest from the very first time. I told him too that I was in a relationship that time and that my French boyfriend who supposed to come to the Philippines to meet me turned out to be a liar. So I was honest too. Eventually, we became closer by just being friends at first. Me – giving him advise and consoling him from his loneliness and him – making me feel important, needed and wanted… we end up liking each other. And the rest is history.

“True love” is a reality. There are people who found it. There are people who are living it. There are people who are enjoying it. Two people can find true love and whatever selfish reason one may have will be erased by the magic of love or rather, one’s pure intention will be blessed with a real happy-ever-after. And this – should be your VISION. ©

June 6, 2008

Online Dating 101: Acceptance

Filed under: About Her, Asian Women, Cultural Differences, This and That — Tags: , , — ruthi @ 9:50 am

PhotobucketSo you have decided that you want to try online dating. You already made up your mind to take the plunge. And you are ready to trust your gut instinct to seek that “one-true-love” in the cyber-nether-land. But before taking that first big step, there is still one important thing that you have to reflect on – acceptance.

Let me tell you a story. When I was in my mid-30s, I already have some doubts if I will really get hitched or not. I had no relationship. I had no social life. I had no contingency plan. It was a scary feeling but I didn’t entertain it much for fear that it will materialize. Like any woman passed her marrying age, I was scared out of my wits. But I tried hard to camouflage the emotion with self-denial. When people would ask me when I would get married, I would usually say… “I am happy as is”. “I don’t need a man to make me feel otherwise”. “I’m busy with work and don’t even have time for myself”. “If it is God’s will for me to stay single, I don’t care”. And yada… yada… yada. All lies! God knows how hard I pray to find the guy of my dream. I have lots of novena prayers to different saints [I am a catholic, btw] asking for their miraculous intercessions to find my man. And I went to join some pilgrimage to make special wish for a husband. It was depressing. When I hit 40, I realized one thing… I need to stop hoping and praying and start doing. God helps those who help themselves, right? So I did just that.

Acceptance is the most important thing to consider in making the right decision. It is the most significant factor to decide whether you are ready to make a paradigm shift or not. And it is the first thing to do to make your dream a reality. Not unless you accept the fact that you are indeed looking for love, you ain’t gonna find it. Denial is like a cancer feeding on your healthy self-esteem. When you finally accepted the fact that you need someone to make your life complete then, it will be easier for you to make the right decision on when… where… and how… you can find that special someone.

Acceptance is not as easy as ABCs. You need a lot of motivation to do it. You need to zero-in to your self-importance. You need to grow thick skin. You need to be a hardcore maniac to accept your decision. And that means you have to disregard what people will say. People will talk. Oh yes, they are good at that. People will gossip behind your back. Oh yes, you have to get used to it. People will say all things imaginable that might engulf your ego and back out. Oh sure, people will discourage you big time. And it’s up to you to do the next step. Your fate now lies in your own hands.

Love doesn’t grow on trees. You have to seek it. You have to chase it. You have to search for it. You have to make a choice. Go global, that’s the thing of the present. If you are looking for love… surf it. Sign up for it. Log in to it. Get connected and you will get the benefits one way or the other. Love is a decision. Love is pro-active. Love is an incredible mission.

So, are you looking for love? Do you have the stomach for it? Are you psyched up enough to set out for it? Are you convinced yet? Then, make IT your “MISSION.“ ©

June 5, 2008

Online Dating 101: The Introduction

Filed under: Asian Women, This and That — Tags: , , , — ruthi @ 12:17 pm

PhotobucketIntercultural relationship is the present and the future of the fairytale happy-ever-after and online dating tops the list in the different aspects of intercultural marriages. According to statistics, online dating resulted to 120,000 marriages a year. That is why a lot of online dating websites [eHarmony.com, Match.com, Chemistry.com, etc.] are banking on “match-making’ trade because there is a huge market for it. In this regard, I would like to share my personal experiences on this subject matter. I will be posting series of articles on this topic alone to guide people who are in serious quest for that “one-true-love”.

All articles that will be posted here will have the following general objectives: To be able… 1.) to know if online dating is the “thing” for you; 2.) to gain knowledge on how to introduce yourself to the global dating arena and explore other options to meet your personal needs; and 2.) to recognize what is the right decorum in conducting your best interest and achieving your personal goals.

The following are the three important factors in online dating and decision-making process.

FIRST: Is online dating… for you? Answer these following questions: Are you in your 30s and still single? Are you looking forward on Friday nights to watch movie marathon on DVD and spending more time at home doing chores on weekends? Is the only guy or gal you know within the 3rd degree of consanguinity? Are going to church, market and town hall meetings your only social activities? Are you avoiding class reunions, family gatherings and even funerals? If your answers are YES to all of these questions, then… online dating could be your best option to finally get hitched.

SECOND: Are you ready to take the plunge? If YES… then learn basic computer applications. It is a pre-requisite in online dating. You don’t have to buy your own computer unit because eventually and hopefully, you might get it for free. There are some cases wherein the person you met online is generous enough to buy you a computer so he/she can get you more committed to him/her. But since that is still in the drawing board, the internet cafés are the official place where you can invest on. But don’t worry… your investment will be paid off once you found someone who is generous enough to send you money via Western Union [Note: This is not a paid advertisement of W.U.] to pay for your internet fees. This practice [if you can call it as such] however, is more prevalent among “men-seeking women” category.

THIRD: Do you know how to use your gut instinct? There is no better way to approach your heart’s concern but with extreme caution, vigilance and basic common sense. Meeting someone online is easy as ABCs but finding out who is the right one is wicked tough if not frustrating. So be sharp and smart enough to know hidden agendas because you also have to consider the fact that sexual offenders and predators are not urban legend. They are online by-standers waiting for the right moment to attack innocent victims.

PLEASE NOTE that this Online Dating 101 is a personal self-help article(s) made by a 40-ish woman for 40-ish people seeking love, relationship and companionship with the aid of the Internet. This tackles personal experience based on personal encounter and limited to personal observations, knowledge and understanding. Please note too that Online Dating varies in age. In this regard, this article is concentrated to people in their mid-30s to late 40s age range who are single, single-again, separated [by choice or consequences], widow/widower [by fate or otherwise], in relationship [but-still-seeking-and-unsatisfied-social-status] or anyone in that age range who are in search of a special connection with another human being from probably half around the world or just a stone’s throw from the neighborhood who are equally daring, enterprising and audacious enough to enter into an unorthodox and unconventional kind of relationship.

So think hard and think twice. Online dating is not for everyone. So be warned. It is not for the faint of heart. So be careful. It could be an option or the missing link to your happiness. So beware. If you have decided to go for it, then the next questions is… are you willing to ACCEPT the challenge? ©

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