Bizarre Marriage

November 11, 2008

Let’s Meet and Talk

Filed under: Before the Wedding, Cultural Differences, This and That — Tags: , , — Vienna @ 10:31 am

I was once asked what difficulties I encounter being in an intercultural marriage and I thought not much because my husband and I talked about almost all of the important things from the start. It was not enough to say that we love each other. It was also important to make some things clear.

Money, religion, customs, previous relationships, ambitions, expectations, and future plans are some of the important things you need to discuss from the start. That may sound like you’re about to go on a business deal but of course I don’t mean it that way. When I say “talk about these things”, I didn’t mean that you do it in one sitting or in a few hours of chatting over the internet. I believe that a relatively long engagement is needed. It will help both parties to learn about each other more.

I do believe in online relationships but such can only be successful if you meet your partner face to face and if you spend time with each other. Chatting and exchanging emails strip a lot of important things that happens in an authentic face to face conversation. Facial expressions, tones of voice, eye contact, and other things that help you judge and understand better what the other person is “really” saying. So until you meet your partner face to face, don’t decide or commit yourself just yet.

August 11, 2008

Online Dating 101: The Big Plunge

Filed under: Asian Women, Before the Wedding, This and That — Tags: , — ruthi @ 9:44 am

PhotobucketMaking that big decision to take online dating seriously is a leap of faith. It is a leap of faith because you have a certain degree of hope in your heart that somehow… somewhere… someday… you will meet that special someone whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. It is a leap of faith because at the back of your mind there are uncertainties but still you somehow hope that your perseverance will eventually pay off. It is a leap of faith because despite the qualms, you have the confidence that somewhere you will finally have a positive conclusion to your future. And it is a leap of faith because there is also a great chance that there is actually no one there for you and what you only have is your hope and faith.

However, once you set on a sail to the ocean of great opportunities you have great prospect of catching the biggest fish. The saying… there are lots of fish in the ocean… is quite true. There are indeed lots of fish in the ocean but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is easy to catch one. There are indeed lots of fish in the ocean but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will catch one. There are indeed lots of fish in the ocean but it doesn’t necessarily mean your work is done.

Catching the big fish in the big ocean entails a lot of hard work, patience and perseverance.

1. HARD WORK: Honestly, this is the easy part because you already did half of it. You already accepted your present predicament and that alone entails a real hard work. It makes it easy if you already made your mission statement and have a vision. But the other half of this part which is hard is dealing with your present predicament in a more drastic way. The real hard part is paddling your way to the open ocean of opportunity. The real hard part is casting your net in the ocean of uncertainties. The real hard part is playing the waiting game.

2. PATIENCE: You need it. You need lots of it. And you need it without limitations. If your middle name isn’t “Patience” you better get yourself baptized again. Fishing is a “waiting game” and patience is literally your “bait“. Patience will keep you in the game. Patience will fuel your motor to keep sailing. Patience will give you the power to hold on to the fishing net. Without patience your hopes and fears are just that… hopes and fears.

3. PERSEVERANCE:Hard work and patience get a real backing up with perseverance. They both get a big push with perseverance on hand because hanging on gives one the benefit of the doubt for the hard work done and the profit of being patient. Online daters should be tough. Online daters should be vigilant. Online daters should have a certain degree of firmness to keep with the ocean current and tides and to be able to do that, you need perseverance.

I have been into online dating for 4 long years before I met my husband. But four long years of hard work, patience and perseverance are not long enough to consider if I have to wait for my Prince Charming for a lifetime. For four long years, I caught all kinds of fish – in all sizes, colors and shapes. For four long years, I have been in real virtual relationships that I couldn’t imagine in the real world. For four long years, I have been in and out of virtual relationships that I almost backed out and sailed back ashore. But then, I had to work harder. I was patient. And I persevered.

The big plunge isn’t about sailing. The big plunge isn’t about catching the big fish. The big plunge isn’t about taking home the big catch of the day and wait for the sun to shine. Nope. The big plunge is about you not sitting on the boat and just casting down your net or fishing pole and take all the fish the will be trapped in the net or those that will bite the bait. The big plunge is about you diving into the big ocean and swimming with the big fish and catching them by your bare hands because in reality, those fish are also there catching fishes. Yap. You are also the fish in the ocean of great opportunity. You are not just catching the fish but you are also a big fish waiting to be caught.

Four long years of playing the catching and waiting game took a toll on me. I was at the brink of giving up until I got tight grasp of the whole idea of online dating. Being a fish in the ocean I was able to learn the ocean current and tide on virtual relationships. It was tough. I met a lot of prospective partners and get an average of 2 marriage proposals in a day. But of course, those are just bait. I had a couple of real serious relationships that lasted more than 6 months with regular chat, phone calls and [broken] promises. One actually visited me in person but then reality knocked and I found out he wasn’t the big fish after all. I had my moments in the virtual world. And just like any normal relationships I had some petty quarrels to deal with… sleepless nights to get over with… feeling of depression to handle with… and at the end of the day, I have to check the clouds again for a tiny hint of silver lining.

Four long years of battling with personal disappointments on virtual relationship [yes, it is inevitable too] was monumental enough for me to give up any grain of hope left in my bucket. But just I was about to sign off and call it a day and turn off the button… a big fish caught me… and I caught him back. ©

June 24, 2008

Online Dating 101: The Seeker

Filed under: About Her, Before the Wedding, This and That — Tags: , , — ruthi @ 1:30 pm

Photobucket Here is the thing. Your personal predicament in the predisposed-intimate-relationship department officially considered you ready for the next level. This is the “testing-the-water” state where you need to be geared to the tee. Actually, this is the easiest part in the entire online dating process because you don’t have to go through another soul-searching methodology that you already subjected yourself in during the first few previous articles.

Taking into action your decision, you are bound to find the consequences of what it takes to be a seeker. That is the sad reality. You are then considered a seeker. And you have to accept that fact. Being a seeker means a lot to anybody. If you are a woman coming from a conservative cultural background where women are supposed to be sought after, this action is somewhat a shocking truth. But as they say… you got to do what you got to do. This is what I meant by – going to the offensive.

Being a seeker has both the advantages and disadvantages. One of the advantages is that, you have now the power to choose. You can set your own standard and work around it. You don’t have to try hard to be chosen because you are the one who will make the selection. Doesn’t it give you power, or what? With regards to the disadvantages, I let you discover that. But the most important thing is that… you should be able to identify what kind of a seeker are you?

There are different group of seekers that an online dater can be categorized. It all depends, of course, on your personal sexual preference. Here are some of the different categories that maybe a helpful deciding factor for seekers and online daters alike.

1. MEN-SEEKING WOMEN: Women who prefer men, obviously, fall on this category. Most 40-ish women who are seeking men for future partners are on this boat. This is the category for women who are ready to take that big step in deciding for their future. This is your starting point where you will take the leap of faith in finding your prince. This is the category where you will be promoted as seeker of that life-ever-after ending. This is the category where women-seeking men will browse… to find and look for you.

2. WOMEN-SEEKING MEN: This is the opposite of the women who prefer men. This is your prospective seeker if you are a woman [in the real sense of the word]. This is the category where men-seeking women will browse… to go to the offensive. This is the category where you will make your personal choice and selection of your prospective princes. This is the category for what so called – straight men. They are the [practicing] hetero-sexual human beings in search of the opposite life or [sex] partners. They are potential partners who are capable of a lasting relationship or the opposite. And they come in all sizes, color and shape, literally and figuratively.

3. MEN-SEEKING MEN: The existence of the third sex is undeniably acceptable. They already have their own place under the sun. They have equal rights just like any straight men. They have freedom to live according to their sexual preference and good thing their rights are legally recognized now. Men can now marry their gay partners. So there is hope for everyone.

4. WOMEN-SEEKING WOMEN: This is the opposite of the gay men seekers. If you are a woman who prefers another woman, this is your category. This is legit too. Your rights are equally recognized just like the gay men.

5. MARRIED BUT LOOKING: Let it be known that there are people who are not satisfied with their present status in life. There are people who don’t feel fulfilled in one aspect of their lives. And there are people who are plain adventurous. This is a valid category. This is a universal category. This category is for both men and women who are in relationship or wanting to get out of it or just wanting to play a game or two. And in the online dating arena, their needs are acknowledged and addressed. But if you are really looking for a real-life partner and seeking a real relationship and not just a new “sports”, then this is not the one for you. Because there will be complications that one has to deal with along the way. But then, there are cases where there are married women who got lucky and were able to find her ideal life partner. But that is an isolated case. The point is – there is still hope for those who are already in a relationship, so have faith.

6. And THE OTHERS (not specified): This category is flexible. You can even create your own specific category and invite people to join you here. You can come up with anything and your imagination is your only limitation. This could be a combination of the 5 other categories mentioned above. So this is considered as “whatever category”.

So, whatever your sexual preference is, you have equal rights to seek and to be sought. Once you know your category, the next step is deciding on the AGE FACTOR. ©

May 27, 2008

The Late Bloomer

Filed under: About Her, Before the Wedding, Cultural Differences, This and That — Tags: , — ruthi @ 11:18 am

PhotobucketTo say the least that I am a late bloomer by society’s standard is an understatement. I was just a typical small-town gal who has a good career. I was just a simple girl-next-door who was raised with good Christian values. And I was just a no-non-sense woman with big dreams.

I married late in life because of some valid reasons that I-don’t-care-if-people-think-otherwise that I believe are innate to my personality. And for what it’s worth, I have no regret whatsoever. I lived a life full of happy memories. And I love living my life just the way it is. Sure, I have hopes, aspirations and dreams. Some of them were achieved… others are attainable… and few of them are still in the waiting list.

I married late in life because I was also waiting for the right guy. I was picky. I was fussy. And I am very vocal about that. I have nothing to hide. I have no fear. I have no worries. So I just went on with my life. But before I knew it, I was already one of those women who are buying times.

I married late in life because I forgot one important thing in life. Being an organized person that I am, I have a good sense of direction. Being an optimistic person that I am, I have a positive outlook in life. Being a hopeless romantic that I am, I was sure that one day, my knight-in-shining-armor will come to sweep me off my feet. But I forgot one important thing. I forgot to set a “time frame”.

It was kinda late when I finally realized that as a human being and a woman for that matter, I have a certain limitation that my male counter part has so much to brag about. I forgot that women have an expiration date in terms of procreation. I forgot that women are a ticking “time-bomb” when they reach a certain age. I forgot that women are not flowers who are capable of pollination to reproduce. And that was my “wake-up call.”

Time factor is important to women of marrying age. It is something that we cannot dispute. It is something that we have to take advantage. It is something that we always hope to evade. And once that you realized that you are in that stage when “time” is not on your side… you have to improvise. You have to either slow it down. Or you have to do your work double time.

So what a determined woman like me had done to finally get hitched? I went to the offensive. Life is a battle and every one of us has its own battle to fight. And to win that battle you have to go for it. Be on the offensive side. Be aggressive. Be brave. Be very brave. ©

April 10, 2008

Getting Married in Austria

Filed under: After the Wedding, Before the Wedding, Wedding Documents — Tags: , , , , , , , , — Vienna @ 3:11 am

Aufenhaltstitel

I got an email from a reader who wanted to ask a few questions and I decided to publish our exchange for the benefit of others who might be needing the same information.

***

Dear CJ,

Here are my answers.

Your Q : My boyfriend has asked about the requirements for getting married but he doesn’t know if I am legally allowed to stay in Austria right away after getting married there.

- Upon legally getting married there (Austria), you are automatically allowed to stay there.

Your Q : Did you enter Austria via a tourist visa?

- I entered Austria using a “Visit” visa. Sorry, but I am not sure if it is equivalent to “Tourist”. You see, processing of “Tourist” visa to enter Austria is different from processing a “Visit” visa.

- With Tourist visa, the Austrian embassy would require YOU to prove that you are financially able to stay there and that you have the intention of exiting Austria before your tourist visa expires, meaning, they will ask for documents showing that you are financially stable, i.e. bank statements, business certificate, etc (whatever they think necessary) and that you have something to go back to like a job or a property or business. They will make sure that your intention is just to “tour” Austria.

- It is slightly different with the Visit visa because this Visa says you are invited by somebody (an Austrian citizen) and that somebody is fully responsible for you. In this case, the Austrian embassy will ask the one who invited you (not you) for documents and these documents are supposed to show that he/she is financially able to support your during the entire duration of your stay in Austria. He have to show this bank statements, job contract, etc. and he also have to pay for your insurance (a little bit less than 100€ if I remember right). The only thing that the Austrian Embassy will need from you is your passport and the filled-up visa application form.

Your Q : How long was your tourist visa valid for (if that is what you had) and did you state that you intended to marry when you applied for your visa?

- The first time I went to Austria, I got a Visit visa. It took us 3 months to process all. We were too slow to gather all the necessary documents but as soon as we submitted the documents to the Austrian Embassy, it took only 2 weeks to get my visa. If you can collect the required documents in a week, it means you’ll get your visa in 3 weeks time. Anyway, the visa I got for the first time is just for 15 days and on the 15th day, I exited Austria.

- We did the whole process again for the second time. We applied for another Visit visa that will last for 30 days. My husband had to submit all the documents (some are updated dox) again but it didn’t take us too long like the first time and we didn’t have any problem getting a second one (nor the first one). The Austrian embassy granted another visa to me and they know that we have the intention to get married. With in these 30 days in Austria, we got married. After the wedding, we applied for my Aufenhastitel (like a green card). It’s not difficult and it is fast.

Your Q : Were you allowed to stay in Austria while waiting for your “Austrian green card (I forgot what you called it)” or did you have to leave?

- I exited Austria before my 30 days visit visa ended because we needed to go back to China so I cannot say for sure if Austria will kick you out when your visa expires even if you are already married to an Austrian citizen (but I don’t think so). Processing of Aufenhaltstitel normally will take 2 weeks maximum. Upon getting married, postpone the honeymoon (hehe), process your Aufenhaltstitel first.

The most effective way when applying for a visa to Austria is to be honest and transparent. Don’t apply for a student visa or a tourist visa when what you really you intend is to get married there. If you plan to stay together there without getting married right away is another story and I am sorry if I cannot give you an advice for this.

Also, let your boyfriend be the one to communicate with the Austrian embassy. It’s much easier this way. Let him ask his embassy what he needs to do so he can take you there and marry you. This is the best way. I am sure that if the Austrian embassy will see sincerity of your intentions and that you are both capable, they will not deny you of an entry to Austria.

As for you, you have some documents to prepare for the wedding (granted that your BF will be the one to arrange the visa). If you will read my blog, Bizarremarriage.com, you’ll find that there is complete explanation on what documents you’ll need and what you’ll need these documents for. Make sure that you have these documents before you enter Austria.

I’ll give you a glimpse of how long we needed until we were finally married.

Feb 2008 – we got engaged (started wedding plans)
June 2008 – my first trip to Austria (meeting his family)
October – second trip to Austria (this time, we got married)

From Feb to August (6 months) we planned for the wedding. He concentrated on my visa and I collected the required documents for the wedding (my documents). It took me a long time because I needed to get these from the Philippines.

Given that you intend to marry on your first trip in Austria, these are the sets of documents you need to prepare:

- Documents for your visa ( for the love of God, ask your BF to process this for you… in this way, you can save you more time and effort)

- Documents for your wedding ( these are YOUR documents from the Philippines)

- Documents for your wedding (these are HIS documents, he can get in Austria … I don’t think it’s a lot)

After the wedding, you can immediately apply for the Aufenhaltstitel.

About getting married in US… we’ll that’s something I cannot help you with. I don’t know if it is easier for you to get a visa and get married in Austria or get married in the US and get a visa to Austria.

Either way, you still have to go through the Austrian Embassy, you will still have to submit documents.

I hope I answered all your questions. If you have more, please read my blog… maybe the answer is there but if not, you may email me again.

Regards,
Vienna Lopez

_____________________________________________________________
Von: CJ
Gesendet: Donnerstag, 10. April 2008 11:39
An: Vienna Lopez
Betreff: Re: Bizarre Marriage

Hi there Vienna! My boyfriend and I are wanting to get married, but we also don’t want to be apart anymore after we tie the knot. So initially, we planned on me applying for a student visa to Austria to get permission to stay in there for a few years. This will then buy us time to get married and process my residency papers as his wife while staying together. But as time has passed, we are more eager to get married and the process for securing admittance to the University of Vienna is very tricky in my situation right now (since I am in the US but still a Filipino citizen). My BF has asked about the requirements for getting married but he doesn’t know if I am legally allowed to stay in Austria right away after getting married there. Did you enter Austria via a tourist visa? Can you give me a timeline of events like when and how did you apply for a marriage license, when did you arrive in Vienna, how long after that did you get married? How long was your tourist visa valid for (if that is what you had) and did you state that you intended to marry when you applied for your visa? Were you allowed to stay in Austria while waiting for your “Austrian green card (I forgot what you called it)” or did you have to leave? I have a lot of questions, I know, but I hope you can patiently give me your advice. :-)

My BF and I are also considering getting married here in the US and then bringing me over to Austria….. but we don’t know exactly how long this will take and how long we will be apart before I can come follow him. So we are hoping that if it is possible for me to stay in Austria after we get married there, this will be the solution.

Thank you very much for responding to my message in your blog! Hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,
CJ
___________________________________________________________
On Wed, Apr 9, 2008 at 8:58 PM,
Vienna Lopez wrote:

Hello CJ,

Thanks for visiting my blog.

So tell me, how can I be of help?

Vienna
____________________________________________________________
Von: CJ
Gesendet: Donnerstag, 10. April 2008 08:45
An: Vienna Lopez
Betreff: Bizarre Marriage
CJ wrote:
Hi there! I sent you a comment on your blog about
requirements for getting married to a european guy. I hope we can get in touch as I am in a similar situation and would like to “follow in your footsteps” as you seem to have been successful. My name is Joy, and my Austrian boyfriend. Hope I will hear from you soon! :-)

April 7, 2008

Our Story

Filed under: Before the Wedding — Tags: , , , , — Vienna @ 5:20 am

I have been having doubts about whether I should post our story here or not.

You see if I let the whole world (that would be like 10-20 people who read this blog…hehe) read about us, I might be giving away some very personal information that we are not comfortable letting the public know about but I thought this blog is personal and it could be about anything but it is basically about us being in an interracial marriage so before I can reach out to my readers who are interested in this topic, I feel that I should tell them our story from the very beginning so… here it is.

***

At age 23, I quit working as an import/export clerk in a garment manufacturing company in the Philippines because like most of the young people in my country, I wanted to try my luck abroad. I thought it will be hard to get a job outside the country but it was actually too easy to for me to get a teaching job here in China. I met an agent online. She promised to find a school for me and in return, I should pay her a minimal amount. I agreed and after a few weeks, she called me and informed me that a school is waiting for me. It was sometime in November 2005 when I flew to China with half empty luggage and a heart full of hopes.

Right upon my arrival here, I realized that working abroad it is not as pleasant as I imagined it to be. My agent imposed a 50% off my salary as her cut and she demanded that I leave my passport to her. Other than the money I agreed to pay her for finding me a school, she’ll get her cut every month from my salary. It was very cunning of her not to mention these to me before I left my country and it was stupid of me not to ask about such important details. See, I signed the contract when I arrived here in China and that time, I am left with two choices. Either I stomach all that is in the contract or go back home to the Philippines without anything. I chose the less humiliating option—I stayed.

A small sized school three hours away from the second class city of Changchun became my workplace for a year. Within this year, I worked hard for a minimal salary, I got sick several times because I am not used to the weather, and I met a lot of people. I even fell in love, got into a relationship, and endured the pain of breaking up. All that happened in eight months and I remember swearing to immediately fly back home as son as I get my passport.

But there were also good things that happened before my year long contract ended. I came in contact with fellow teachers who later became friends and strangers who became acquaintances. Most importantly, Marcus and I met each other.

Marcus is a young engineer who has so must zest for traveling so without any responsibility holding him in Europe, he grabbed the opportunity to travel and work in China. He arrived here during the first few months of 2006 but I didn’t meet him until August of that year. I was not about to get into another relationship but I fell in love with him and he to me. He’s the most symphathic guy I’ve met and for him, I am the sweetest girl in the whole world. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am to him and we were not about to let each other go so when my contract ended, I stayed. We moved in together and two months later, we got engaged. Sure, we also had some disagreements, misunderstandings, and petty quarrels but we surpass them all. Another six months later, we got married in his lovely little home town in Austria.

The villa where we got married

It’s been six months since we utter our “I dos” and it still feels like we are in our honeymoon. I know it’s very early to say that this marriage is successful (I am not sure at which point in marriage can you say that) but I know that our love for each other and the bond between us are getting stronger each day and I feel that it is going to be like this for a very long time.

March 13, 2008

Marrying a Filipina

Filed under: Before the Wedding, Wedding Documents — Tags: , , , , — Vienna @ 5:56 am

Written on : November 16, 2007

I have to clarify it first—I am not advertising or promoting Filipino/non-Filipino marriages. Also note that I am not a lawyer, these are just from my personal opinions are not supposed to be taken as legal advices.

I just would like to help those who are in Filipino/non-Filipino relationship. If you are planning to marry your Filipina girlfriend but don’t know where to start with the documentation, here are some pointers for you. If you are planning to marry your Filipino girlfriend in the Philippines, these are the documents you need:

Affidavit of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage: You can request this from your embassy in Manila. If your embassy does not give such document, you can get an Affidavit in Lieu of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage. Both documents are basically saying that there are no legal impediments to the marriage but before your embassy gives you this affidavit, you must first present some/all of the following (depends from which country you are from):

-Proof of Citizenship

– Proof of Termination of Previous Marriages (if you are divorced or widower)

– Parent’s Consent (if you are under 21 years old)


Once you have your affidavit of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage or the Affidavit in Lieu of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage from your embassy and once your girlfriend has the same from the Philippine National Statistics Office, you can then proceed to the Local Civil Registrar to apply for the Marriage License. Note that you also have to present the following to the Local Civil Registrar.

- Death Certificate or Divorce Decree which shows the termination of any previous marriage (if you are divorced or widower)

– Birth, Baptismal, and Residency Certificate of your Filipina girlfriend

– Parental consent or advice, if either (or both parties are) party is under age.

You have to wait at least 10 days before the Local Civil Registrar will issue your Marriage License. The Marriage License have 120 days before it expires and this marriage license can be used anywhere in the Philippines.

Sounds pretty simple but this could take time so process the documents early on. Best wishes.

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