As you might have noticed, I changed the theme of this blog. I’ve been using the old one for about a year and a half and I thought that this blog could use a face lift. The project of installing a new theme entailed digging in to our wedding pictures. I needed to look for photos I can use for the rotating images on the sidebar.  While doing so, I couldn’t help but walk along the memory lane and mull over  everything that happened on that special day. After looking at our wedding pictures, I listened to our wedding song and I thought of sharing it with you.

It is in German. Back then, I didn’t really understand it but I fell in love with the melody right away. After listening to the translation from my, then, fiancé, I thought it fits to what we feel for each other. We both like the song and the lyrics so we sort of had an understanding that this song will be “our song”.

It was played on our wedding day right after the “you may kiss the bride” moment.

Two years later, I can understand the song perfectly and although there are a lot of translations on the internet, I made my own. The words might sound silly and awkward in the English translation (because we don’t say things like that in English) but trust me, they’re wonderful in German.

DAS BESTE by Silbermond

I am married to an Austrian for almost two years but I haven’t really realized the difference in the cuisine until now. Before we moved to Austria a couple of weeks ago, we have been living in as expats in China. China and Philippines have a lot of differences but I am quite glad of one thing—citizens of both countries consider rice as a very important part of every meal.

Being married to a European means eating less rice and while it was a big adjustment for me in the beginning, it was sort of okay because we were living in China. I can get rice anywhere and I can get it cheap.

Now that we are in Austria, things are a lot different and among those things is how rice is treated in this country. I knew already that people here don’t eat rice with every meal but I didn’t know that rice is being expensively priced. I was really shocked when we did our food shopping for the first time here.

In the Philippines and in China, we can buy rice in sacks (50kls/sack). Here…to my amusement—we buy rice in tiny boxes! If it were in Asia, this one box will not be enough to feed a family for even a day!

Also, they don’t have that many choices. I can count the kind of rice they sell in a regular store with my fingers. It is also kind of weird how they appreciate the kind of rice grains that don’t stick to each other than the ones that do. That tells me that when it comes to rice, they simply don’t know what’s good.

Considering the rice prices and the kind of rice they sell here, I’d say, I won’t be eating that much rice from now on.

I was once asked what difficulties I encounter being in an intercultural marriage and I thought not much because my husband and I talked about almost all of the important things from the start. It was not enough to say that we love each other. It was also important to make some things clear.

Money, religion, customs, previous relationships, ambitions, expectations, and future plans are some of the important things you need to discuss from the start. That may sound like you’re about to go on a business deal but of course I don’t mean it that way. When I say “talk about these things”, I didn’t mean that you do it in one sitting or in a few hours of chatting over the internet. I believe that a relatively long engagement is needed. It will help both parties to learn about each other more.

I do believe in online relationships but such can only be successful if you meet your partner face to face and if you spend time with each other. Chatting and exchanging emails strip a lot of important things that happens in an authentic face to face conversation. Facial expressions, tones of voice, eye contact, and other things that help you judge and understand better what the other person is “really” saying. So until you meet your partner face to face, don’t decide or commit yourself just yet.

Marrying for money or wealth can be traced back to the beginnings of civilization. In the ancient times, physically strong men are sought after by women for marriage simply because of two reasons. First is the very obvious one; women can depend on their brawny husbands to hunt and feed the family and the second reason is because in their times, hunters and warriors have better chances to be chosen to lead a clan therefore marrying one of them will assure a woman of a place in their society.

Marrying for financial and social security is being practiced since the beginning of time. It’s nothing new. “Strong” changed its meaning through the centuries but the very idea is still there. Today,  “strong” men are those who have money or a good position in politics, business, or well known institutions and women still go for them.

What does it have to do with intercultural marriage? Well, a lot. See all these young women from third world countries getting married to older western guys from richer nations. Is it because of love? Most of the time, it is not. Is it right? One can only argue but this is a controversy has never been solve.

See a picture of an old western guy with a young Asian wife who both get what they expect from their relationship; the guy gets companionship and the girl gets relief from financial constraints plus she’s able to help her family back in Asia. Given that they stay faithful and nice to each other, this can be considered “picture perfect”.

But is it really?

The cultural differences between couples in intercultural marriage are difficult enough to deal with even if there is the presence of “love” so imagine one without it. It could only be a relationship without love but is toppled with expectations—such can only lead to disaster. Both persons will always feel that they are being used by the other and therefore, they will not be truly happy.

But still a lot of young women willingly do it and many older guys agree to such arrangement. For the guy, it could be because of desperation to have somebody and the fear of being alone for the rest of his life and for the girl, it could be because of poverty, obligations, and ambition. They put “love” aside or they hope that it will somehow blossom overtime.

Looking at it from the outside, one can say that this kind of relationship is doomed, shallow, or hypocritical but we know that only the person himself can defined his happiness and for the people who marry for something other than love, their happiness could be defined by the benefits of getting into such relationship. For them, it could still be “picture perfect.”

I know I have written about divorce in the Philippines in my other blog but I also have to write about it here specially because this blog is not only about intercultural relationships but this blog is also about married couples and marriage as a whole. Now, for those of you who don’t know yet, there is no divorce in the Philippines. Meaning Philippine citizens can only marry once until their partner dies or until their marriage is annulled.

There is a huge difference between annulment and divorce but in simple words, annulment can be defined as the process of proving that a marriage is not valid. Annulment needs deeper reasons and these reasons should be proven before an annulment is granted and once it’s granted, the two persons in an annulled marriage can marry other persons. Divorce, on the other hand is a legal act to dissolve a marriage and reasons for divorce can be anything. Is there annulment in the Philippines? Yes. Is it easy to get an annulment and can any couple apply for an annulment? No and no. Why? Well for annulment, you need a “valid” reason to begin with. Is your spouse gay? Is your spouse mentally crazy and you only learned about it after the marriage? Were you too young when you got married making you “psychologically incapacitate” at the time of your marriage (or vice versa)? These are just some of the accepted reasons but I tell you, there aren’t a lot. Reasons like home violence and infidelity are not accepted as grounds for annulment. And for people who like to get out of a failed marriage, they normally can just result to separation which can end marital problems but does not stop the marriage. Meaning, separated couples are still considered by the law as “married” and therefore they cannot remarry.

What if you are married to somebody who is not Filipino? What if you married outside the Philippines? Can you get divorced? The answer is a big fat NO. You see, when you get married to a foreign person in another country, you normally register your marriage to the nearest Philippine Embassy. You need to do this specially if you need to change your name in your Passport and because Philippine Law demands that you do. Once you register your marriage to the embassy, you’ll be regarded as “married” so no matter where you are, if you are a Filipino, you are still under and you are still expected to abide by the Philippine Law. Your foreign spouse can divorce you but you can’t divorce your foreign spouse. Why? Because your foreign spouse is not bound to the Philippine Law but you are. Your non-Filipino spouse can remarry but you can’t.

Many will dispute this but I personally agree that the proposed Divorce Bill in the Philippines should be approve immediately because I believe that there is no sanctity in an oppressive marriage and for a person who is in such deserve to get out from it should be given a chance to find quality marital relationship with another person.

For 40-ish women seeking lifetime partner and romance online, age factor is the next big thing. There is no sense in defying age because the truth will always hunt you down. Your age has a big factor both for you as a seeker and the person you are seeking for. If you are within this age range you either are looking for a partner who are of the same age or a bit older than you are but very rare that you will be looking for partners half your age unless you are Samantha Jones of Sex in the City.

Since you already accepted the fact that you are not getting any younger, you have to realize that age factor is a vital point in goal setting. This is important because you will need it as a point of preference for seeking your match. There are 3 age categories that you have to consider.

1. Chronological – This is your “real” age. It is based on the real date of your birth (day, month and the year). Most women always lie about it. They always avoid any question leading to it. And they always deny it. This category is always abused, altered and misrepresented. Some can get away without a problem. Others are caught red-handed. And a few ones are still in the state of denial. So, when you go online, you either tell the truth or lie about your age. It’s your choice. Just remember, God is watching you.

2. Biological – This is your age based on your physical appearance. You may be familiar with the saying… you don’t look your age. Well, it maybe two things. Either you look older than your age or otherwise. If you look younger that your age, you will feel motivated and proud of yourself. You will have no problem telling someone your chronological age because you love to hear them say… “Really? You look younger! I thought you are only 26 years old”. For a 40-ish woman, this is a big thing. [I know how it feels, trust me.] But if you look older than your age, you might want to deny it. Sometimes you will feel discouraged but don’t lose hope there are lots of options you can take. Invest on your appearance. Upgrade your lifestyle and you’ll never go wrong with that.

3. Psychological – This is the age that you set your mind on. So, this is a mind-set age, so to speak. This is the age that you want to stay in forever. This is the number of candles that you constantly put in your birthday cake year after year after year. This is the age that you tell people [without guilt] when they asked how old are you and it remains constant.

Here’s the thing, when I was in the US Embassy waiting for my interview for my Fiancé Visa, I met a few women who were there for the same purpose. I met a 19-year old girl whose fiancé is a 40-something divorcee whom she doesn’t know what kind of works he does. I met a 26-year old woman whose fiancé is a 71-year old widower. I also met a 40-year old separated lady with a 9-year old daughter [who was also included in the petition] whose fiancé is a 50-year old single but with 2 kids. And I am a 42-year old [virgin] never been married and no kids whose fiancé is a 50 year old divorcee with 3 kids. The bottom line is… age may be a big factor, so you might want to consider it in your decision making process.

When you are at this age, it’s very rare that you might find the most eligible-never-been-kissed-never-been-hitched-and-never-been-screwed-up bachelors online. The guys you will meet online seeking for relationships [serious or otherwise] are either single with kid/s or divorcee [with or without kid/s] or widower [with or without kid/s]. So be prepared for the extra baggage because that is something you cannot get rid of.

When you are 40-ish woman, there is no room for being fussy. You cannot be picky because you are buying times already. And with this in mind, there is one question you need to answer with all honesty – am I ready for THE BIG PLUNGE ©

Finally, you have accepted the fact that you need someone to make your life complete. You accepted the reality that you need someone to grow old with. And you accepted the truth that you are not getting any younger. The next step to do now is… to set a mission. Draw a personal mission statement that will fuel your personal undertaking with burning desire.

Yes, you have to psyche yourself up that you are ready to dig in. Set a goal. Have a clear objective of what you want to do. Draw your personal aspiration. Present your mission statement with solid conviction. Come up with a hard rationale why you want to go on online dating. And find a firm motivation to make you decisive.

When you have decided that you want to invest on a cyber relationship, you already have an idea on how your fairytale will achieve the happy-ever-after. Of course, we all want that happy ending. We all want our relationship to last forever. We all want the till-death-do-us-part become a reality. But relationship is a hard work. So you better set that goal. What do you want in a relationship? What can you sacrifice for a relationship? How do you sustain a relationship? Like any relationship, we always look for the positives. But we should also consider the fact that there are always two sides of the coin.

Wanting a relationship means you know the difference between wants and needs. Are you looking for love because you want it or you need it? Because eventually you may be asked – Do you want me because you need me or you need me because you want me? You have to be ready to answer that question and justify your answer. Notice that I have not mentioned the magic word – LOVE, yet. Because love is the aftermath of all the troubles that you will go through… if and when you will get lucky. Please note that not all will be successful in finding one-true-love in Online Dating. Online Dating is only one of the options.

In any relationship, love should be one’s goal. But in reality, I know this is not all so true. There are people who are seeking “love” [the most abused word in the dictionary] for personal convenience and there are lots of those in Online Dating. And everybody who engaged in this dating business is aware of that. There is nothing wrong if you are looking for love because you are afraid to grow old alone, you just wanted a future. There is nothing wrong if you are looking for love because you need someone to pay your bills, you are just being practical. There is nothing wrong if you are looking for love because you want to go abroad, you just want to fulfill your dream. There is nothing wrong if you need a father/mother for your kids, you just need someone to lean on. Whatever your reason is, it could be considered a shallow “mission” just yet. But that could be the start. What is wrong is, taking advantage of that person you found online, using him/her and damping him/her once you get what you want. You will be surprised that there are lots of people with the same agenda as yours. But still there is really such a thing as “love in cyber-nation”. Just be honest with your purpose. You don’t have to say it bluntly and right away the first meeting or you will shoo that person right away.

My hubby was already engaged to be married to another Pinay [annulled with two kids] when I met him online. He told me that very first meeting that his Filipina girlfriend just died and he was lonely and he wanted to meet someone again. He was so honest from the very first time. I told him too that I was in a relationship that time and that my French boyfriend who supposed to come to the Philippines to meet me turned out to be a liar. So I was honest too. Eventually, we became closer by just being friends at first. Me – giving him advise and consoling him from his loneliness and him – making me feel important, needed and wanted… we end up liking each other. And the rest is history.

“True love” is a reality. There are people who found it. There are people who are living it. There are people who are enjoying it. Two people can find true love and whatever selfish reason one may have will be erased by the magic of love or rather, one’s pure intention will be blessed with a real happy-ever-after. And this – should be your VISION. ©

So you have decided that you want to try online dating. You already made up your mind to take the plunge. And you are ready to trust your gut instinct to seek that “one-true-love” in the cyber-nether-land. But before taking that first big step, there is still one important thing that you have to reflect on – acceptance.

Let me tell you a story. When I was in my mid-30s, I already have some doubts if I will really get hitched or not. I had no relationship. I had no social life. I had no contingency plan. It was a scary feeling but I didn’t entertain it much for fear that it will materialize. Like any woman passed her marrying age, I was scared out of my wits. But I tried hard to camouflage the emotion with self-denial. When people would ask me when I would get married, I would usually say… “I am happy as is”. “I don’t need a man to make me feel otherwise”. “I’m busy with work and don’t even have time for myself”. “If it is God’s will for me to stay single, I don’t care”. And yada… yada… yada. All lies! God knows how hard I pray to find the guy of my dream. I have lots of novena prayers to different saints [I am a catholic, btw] asking for their miraculous intercessions to find my man. And I went to join some pilgrimage to make special wish for a husband. It was depressing. When I hit 40, I realized one thing… I need to stop hoping and praying and start doing. God helps those who help themselves, right? So I did just that.

Acceptance is the most important thing to consider in making the right decision. It is the most significant factor to decide whether you are ready to make a paradigm shift or not. And it is the first thing to do to make your dream a reality. Not unless you accept the fact that you are indeed looking for love, you ain’t gonna find it. Denial is like a cancer feeding on your healthy self-esteem. When you finally accepted the fact that you need someone to make your life complete then, it will be easier for you to make the right decision on when… where… and how… you can find that special someone.

Acceptance is not as easy as ABCs. You need a lot of motivation to do it. You need to zero-in to your self-importance. You need to grow thick skin. You need to be a hardcore maniac to accept your decision. And that means you have to disregard what people will say. People will talk. Oh yes, they are good at that. People will gossip behind your back. Oh yes, you have to get used to it. People will say all things imaginable that might engulf your ego and back out. Oh sure, people will discourage you big time. And it’s up to you to do the next step. Your fate now lies in your own hands.

Love doesn’t grow on trees. You have to seek it. You have to chase it. You have to search for it. You have to make a choice. Go global, that’s the thing of the present. If you are looking for love… surf it. Sign up for it. Log in to it. Get connected and you will get the benefits one way or the other. Love is a decision. Love is pro-active. Love is an incredible mission.

So, are you looking for love? Do you have the stomach for it? Are you psyched up enough to set out for it? Are you convinced yet? Then, make IT your “MISSION.“ ©

Mail-order Bride is a thing of the past. But intercultural marriage is still the thing of the present. Intercultural relationship defied discrimination against race. Intercultural marriage challenged cultural barriers. And intercultural union disputed geographical obstacles. Therefore, there is nothing that can change or alter it because of one important reason – it is acceptable. Two people of different culture, race, tradition, orientation and background are bind together with common understanding, dedication, acceptance and commitment. And with these facts, our society has totally recognized its existence if not the significance of this kind of relationship.

Online dating is just one aspect of intercultural marriages. With the gift of technology, more people become more open-minded and less prejudice. They welcome new prospects in terms of relationship or simple association. They are tolerant to new kind of commitment or compromise. That is why more people are embracing this kind of interpersonal affair.

I have no regrets. Since I wouldn’t have taken any other route, it is a fact that this is the kind of relationship that I really wanted for myself. Intercultural relationship is my personal choice. Nobody pushed me into it. Decision making is both a struggle and a process. It was not easy. I had to make sacrifices. I had to take into considerations a lot of things other than my personal judgment. And I had to accept a lot of things that are parts and parcels of the relationship. ©

To say the least that I am a late bloomer by society’s standard is an understatement. I was just a typical small-town gal who has a good career. I was just a simple girl-next-door who was raised with good Christian values. And I was just a no-non-sense woman with big dreams.

I married late in life because of some valid reasons that I-don’t-care-if-people-think-otherwise that I believe are innate to my personality. And for what it’s worth, I have no regret whatsoever. I lived a life full of happy memories. And I love living my life just the way it is. Sure, I have hopes, aspirations and dreams. Some of them were achieved… others are attainable… and few of them are still in the waiting list.

I married late in life because I was also waiting for the right guy. I was picky. I was fussy. And I am very vocal about that. I have nothing to hide. I have no fear. I have no worries. So I just went on with my life. But before I knew it, I was already one of those women who are buying times.

I married late in life because I forgot one important thing in life. Being an organized person that I am, I have a good sense of direction. Being an optimistic person that I am, I have a positive outlook in life. Being a hopeless romantic that I am, I was sure that one day, my knight-in-shining-armor will come to sweep me off my feet. But I forgot one important thing. I forgot to set a “time frame”.

It was kinda late when I finally realized that as a human being and a woman for that matter, I have a certain limitation that my male counter part has so much to brag about. I forgot that women have an expiration date in terms of procreation. I forgot that women are a ticking “time-bomb” when they reach a certain age. I forgot that women are not flowers who are capable of pollination to reproduce. And that was my “wake-up call.”

Time factor is important to women of marrying age. It is something that we cannot dispute. It is something that we have to take advantage. It is something that we always hope to evade. And once that you realized that you are in that stage when “time” is not on your side… you have to improvise. You have to either slow it down. Or you have to do your work double time.

So what a determined woman like me had done to finally get hitched? I went to the offensive. Life is a battle and every one of us has its own battle to fight. And to win that battle you have to go for it. Be on the offensive side. Be aggressive. Be brave. Be very brave. ©