Mein Schatz,

Soon we will be celebrating our fourth year of marriage. Wow. I can hardly believe that we’ve been married that long already. Where did the years go? I didn’t notice them pass by. And that is not to say that we haven’t done anything exciting… in fact, those four years are the most exciting time of my life.

I like to say it’s because nothing has changed. But that is just wrong. We are still very much in love with each other just like we were on our first few months together. True. Our love for each other is definitely as intense as before but it has also flourished in so many ways I can’t really explain.

A lot has changed. Our surroundings’ changed. We’ve changed. We’ve matured. We are bonded by marriage but that is not enough. We wanted more. Not from each other but from our life together. We wanted a bond that can’t be broken by time, by law, and by anybody.

We wanted a child.

And each day, I am deeply grateful that we are blessed with one.

Now the life we have together is more meaningful and the bond we have is stronger.

The reason why I didn’t really notice those four years passing by is because I am enjoying myself too much—I am having the time of my life.

I love you, I love our son, and I love our life.

Bussi,
Schatzl

It’s been five months since I last updated this blog. That’s a matter of fact and it makes me feel quite ashamed. This blog is, without a doubt, the most beneficial blog I have. Not only to me but also to a few who find themselves reading my blogs (whether they are regular readers or just leads from google search engine).

Compared to my other blogs, the topics I discuss here have more sense. Some old entries are even helpful to others. So I should really give this blog the attention it deserves. I actually want to do that ever since I started it but somehow, I am finding it more and more difficult to create posts for this blog. That is because I am sort of pressured to write something “sensible”, something with real “content”.

So I decide to lift that pressure. From now on, I will just write anything about my opinion on relationships and marriage in general (not just intercultural marriage). I promise to put more attention to this blog. Posts, be it helpful to others or not, be it personal or not, will come more often. Not everyday, but definitely not every five months.

While my husband and I were in the car driving somewhere last weekend, we’ve been randomly talking about things and people we both know. I don’t like to go into too much details but our topic was European-Asian relationships. At some point, I asked him why he does not like to hang out with a certain European-Asian couple and here’s what he said.

Look, I don’t want to be in a league with guys who are married to Asians because they can’t get a decent European woman. I am not like that and I don’t like to be compared to them or to be associated with them in any way. I am married to a Filipina for the very honest reason that I fell in love with you, and not because I am a loser and can’t find a decent European woman.

That is of course very sweet of him but at the same time, harsh. Harsh not to me but to the couple we’ve been talking about (even if they were not there). But I understand where my husband is coming from. You see, some people can be really judgmental that they immediately think that there’s something wrong with a European guy married to a woman from a third world country. Things like…he’s probably just plain ugly, incredibly fat, awfully missing some teeth, too old and balding. Or if it’s not about his looks, it could be because of something else; he’s probably an alcoholic, a psychologically troubled person, a pervert, or a complete asshole that no European women can stand him. Things like that (and a lot more) are immediately linked to guys married to women from third world nations.

Now, can we blame these people when 90% of intercultural marriages fall exactly in their boxes?

I don’t know but here’s my personal take on this. If people look at us without cynicism, they’ll immediately see that my husband and I look, talk, think, and behave in a completely normal way. Without cynicism, they can immediately tell that we are together because of the most honest reason. But there will be always people who are judgmental and they can be really annoying sometimes but I don’t let them get to me and that is also what I tell my husband and friends who are in intercultural relationships.

I usually cook for myself during the day. It’s my time to enjoy Filipino food that my husband dares not touch. It’s my time to cook some thing without worrying if the smell will bother anyone. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that Filipino food stinks. Being a Filipino, the smell of fish paste does not bother me, but it just smells different for my husband’s foreign nose.

And before you think that I am consenting my husband’s somewhat hostile attitude towards Filipino food, let me explain.

Forcing or tricking somebody to eat what you eat because you think it tastes great is just ignorant and rude. If a person is refusing to eat a certain food, there must be a reason why. It could be because of religion, culture, or simply because the person does not like the smell, the look, or what’s in it. It could be because of the way he/she was brought up to see what’s a food supposed to be. For example, in Europe it’s unthinkable to eat a meat dish with bones in it. They could eat a steak or any piece of meat with one big bone but that’s it—no chopped poultry with tiny bones just like what we put in chicken adobo. They can eat friend chicken drumsticks and chicken wings, but I think that’s the farthest they can go with bones. They also don’t eat fish heads. Most households won’t serve a fish dish with the fish head. Normally, fish are fillet before they’re cooked and serve. For many Austrians, it’s just weird to eat something that is looking back at you. There are more food that are considered delectable by Filipinos but are considered unthinkable and even disgusting by Austrians, and I don’t like to go into that now.

All I want to say is that, you can offer a food to a person, if he/she refuses then show respect and don’t force the person to eat it.

I don’t force my husband to eat Filipino food he does not like, the same way he does not force me to eat any foreign food I don’t like.

Austrian Bretteljause

Buttered Crab with Rice

My husband is not a food snob; he actually likes a number of Filipino food like rice cakes, tapang bangus, tocino, beef tapa, longonisa, bibingka, tupig (almost all food with coconut in it), pininyahang manok (without bones), buttered shrimps, banana-cue, camote-cue, dried pusit, and a lot more. He also does not have a problem with fish. He can eat fish and other seafood with his hand. He specially likes them when they’re just salted and barbecued. BUT balut and all food with animal insides in them disgust him.

And I can eat just about anything. Here in Europe, it’s difficult to find a food I can snob. They have really good dishes here that are not only delicious but are, most of the time, presented so nicely as well.

In our culture, it is a common practice that it is the wife who manages the family income. Every payday, the husband would hand over his pay envelope, containing his complete salary, to his wife. The wife will then give her husband an “allowance” and budget the rest of the money for household expenses.  That is something understood and accepted between Filipino couples.

Now, what prompted me to write this entry is a friend who asked me if her non-Filipino partner will hand over his complete salary to her when they move in together. I think it is very naïve of her to expect that from her foreign partner, but being a Filipina myself, who had been exposed to the practice mentioned above, I understand her.

I am not sure about every Filipina who is in an interracial marriage, but in my case and in the case of all the Filipinas I personally know, tell me that they don’t apply this practice with their western partners and here are the reasons why:

1.     A non-Filipino husband, if he is from a first world country, simply CAN’T give his Filipina wife his full salary because not even him can hold his full salary. What I mean by this is; first world nations are almost what we call “cash-less societies.” That means; they get their salary directly deposited in their bank accounts and not in envelopes containing cash. And as soon as the money is in his bank account, all sorts of insurances, bills, and subscription and membership fees will automatically be paid from the bank account.

2.     Online banking and other bank transactions are just too complicated for the Filipina wives to understand specially if they can’t speak their husbands’ language yet. Try opening an online bank or filling up a bank form which is not in English? Not a piece of cake, right?

3.     There is no point of keeping cash at home when you can pay just about everything using an ATM card, debit card, or credit card.

Now before you think that Filipinas married to western guys are being too submissive for letting their men handle the money, let me further explain some things.

In every culture, men are expected to provide for their families and men in interracial marriages are not exempted from this. They do provide and they do give their wives the right to manage the household income, but since most of the bills are automatically taken cared of, their wives have less to think about.

Some Filipinas married to foreigners ask their husband for a certain amount every month for household related expenses and for their personal allowance (if they are not working) but they don’t demand every penny to be handed over to them.

Expecting your foreign husband to hand over his complete salary to you is just unfair to him and overly demanding of you. An interracial marriage is all about meeting each other halfway and that is also applicable in this particular matter. If your foreign partner gives you his salary, will you be able to manage everything—pay the bills, do the grocery, etc? Will you be responsible with it? What if your partner is not okay with the idea of handling over his salary to you? Demanding him to do so can lead to a lot at arguments but asking him to be transparent about his salary (which is in sense, your family money) is understandable. In this way, both know where the family money goes, both have a say, both have control over the family income. And if you are a working wife, you should also be transparent about your salary to him.

You don’t have to be in charge of your husband’s salary and vice versa. As the cliché goes, “In every marriage, there no “yours” or “mine.” There’s only “ours”.”  I think, in every marriage, the task of managing the family income is better shared between husband and wife.



When I got married to my “Mr. Right”, I know, but not exactly sure, what is waiting for me in his country. Since hubby lives, works, and comes from Germany, I have to be with him. As the song says and I quote; “I’d do anything in the name of love”.

In most of interracial marriages, wives usually migrate to where their husbands live or bound to go. It happens to most friends I know and this does not exclude me. I have to live in a foreign land, start a new family, maybe find a new job (with crossed-fingers), and meet new friends. I do not have any problems with adjusting in a new country but we are from way too different continents that our cultures are extremely different. But up until now, our cultural issues are still bearable for me and I hope it will continue to be so. Let me tell you some for instance. In the Philippines, we use many terms to show respect to older people. When I met my hubby’s family, the grandparents and parents told me that I could just call them with their names. How can I do that? Have you ever called your mother-in-law just with her first name? It sounds strange, yeah? So I insist calling them mom, dad, oma and opa. And just to share to everybody, I am really lucky with my in laws so far.

The other example is about my hubby’s ex-girlfriend. I was hesitant of sharing this thinking that hubby might read this article and would not like it. Anyway, might as well share it so here it is.

The first thing I do every time I reached home from a day out is to check our phone calls. When I saw that hubby’s ex-girlfriend called, I was idealess as to why she’d do that and I was maybe a bit jealous too (big evil grin). My hubby told me that night that his ex-girlfriend wants to rent his other apartment. Well, it was nice of my hubby to tell the ex-gf that he will ask my opinion about it first and we will decide together. Of course, I never like the idea that his ex will be renting the other apartment though for my hubby, it was fine. He does not have any problem about it, I do! I trust him but never will his ex be allowed to rent one of my husband’s apartment.

It’s nice when divorced parents still have good relationship with each other or when they still talk and are good friends. That’s one good thing I have observed here. However, I could not accept this thing with my hubby and his ex. They were not couples anyway that got a divorce.LOL! Was it her way of getting my attention? She definitely knows that we just got married. Anyway, it was difficult for my hubby to say no to her but then, he figured out how to do it by just telling her this;  “If you were my wife now, what would you feel about it?”

Every woman always desires for a simple and a headache free life. Meet the man of her dreams and build a happy family. In short, I am one of them.  After having two relationships, two break ups I have told myself that I have had enough. The last break up even made me left the Philippines and looked for a teaching job in China as part of moving on. Well, I still hoped for my so-called “Mr. Right” to come along. I never knew that I would be married now. How would I had known? How would one know who and from where her right man would be?

After two or more years of waiting for my “Mr. Right”, in the middle of winter in 2008, I have met him through a friend (and oh yes! He is German).  At the beginning of our dates, he always told me that he never wanted to have a girlfriend and never wanted to marry.  Therefore, it was the same as other couples’ love stories—a love at first sight. But then, who can resist the beauty and the charm of a Filipina (wink)? Many people say that marrying somebody in the same race is still the best. You would not have any problems with language and cultural differences. You can express everything you want to, either in anger or pleasure, and be sure that you would be understood. But who cares about what others say? For me, he’s the most thoughtful, compassionate, caring, and loving man I have ever met. He sounds perfect, yeah?! What else should I say? I love him and he loves me. When we decided to become a couple after months, it was not that easy. He went back to Germany and I stayed in China. We just met every time he visited me in China during summers and we had holidays together in the Philippines during winters. That was for 2 years.  He met my family and he knows most about me. Long distance relationships are not easy. We see each other almost every day online; it seems that we’re close to each other but yet far. On his holiday in China in August 2009, he proposed for marriage. We decided to marry the following year. I am acquainted with problems in interracial marriages but did not anticipate them until then. I have to get a visa, and getting it requires a lot of documents. The fact that I am from Asia and he’s from Europe made everything extra complicated.  I have to learn basic German language, pass the exam and get a certificate. The German embassy has to do a background investigation of me and some more other stuffs.

But hey! We did it! He’s the one and I am the one. We have gone well so far. I got a fiancée visa and I’m now happily married to my “Mr. Right”.  I am sure that there will be more problems to come and to overcome!

In my desire to go back to blogging, I am trying to update all my blogs. This blog is especially dear to me so it will be one of the blogs that I will work on first. Before I went to hiatus, I had tried to maintain the activity of this blog. I had planned to write entries and schedule them equally throughout the time that I won’t be able to write. Sadly, I was immediately caught up with other things that hindered me to fulfill that.  I also asked my friend Lamielle to spice up this blog by sharing some of her experience in intercultural marriage. She did try but quite understandably, she got busy too. She’s a very active woman—yoga classes, German classes, her pregnancy, preparing for her baby, and some other things occupied her that even her own blog got short of posts at some point.

But since I decided to do blogging fulltime, things will definitely change.  The Open Letters to Hubby will continue and will be more regular than before.  In addition to that, a new contributor will also help me bring back life to this blog.

Maridel is a friend and a teacher I met in China. We taught in different schools but we had the same agent.  She doesn’t own a blog that I can link to yet so you’ll have to wait for her posts here in Bizarre Marriage to get to know her.  That’ll probably take a couple of days so, for your curiosity’s sake; I am going to tell you a bit more about her.

Maridel is from the Philippines. I invited her to write for this blog because she also has first-hand experience on intercultural marriage and relationship. She just got married to her long term fiancé, a German guy, so I supposed everything she went through to be finally together with the love of her life is still quite fresh and this is what I asked her to share to us.

Like is said, this blog is dear to me because I got to know people through this blog who later became real good friends of mine so I will really work on this blog from now on and I will take all the help I can to make this blog better.

When I was young, I never thought of marrying a foreigner. In fact I was scared of them and always thought that they have bad attitudes and bad smell (please forgive my ignorance).  I did not realize that I was wrong until I moved to Dubai to work there.  Working in Dubai gave me the chance to meet a lot of nice people from all over the world and this is how I met the man who took my breath way.

As a Filipina I always dreamt of having a better life at some point in the future. And since I grew up in the small town of Zamboanga City, I decided to leave my own country and try my luck outside the Philippines. Little did I know that this journey will take me to find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Yes, our love story is not that different from any other couples. At the time we met, I was working in a hotel and D was in town for a business trip.  From the moment we set eyes on each other, we both hit it off and from then on, we knew that we do not want to be away from each other. However, we lived on two different continents—thousands of miles away from each other. It was a difficult situation but our distance was not a reason to keep us from loving each other so we continued our relationship while employing all kinds of technology to stay in touch with each other. We used chats, emails, long distance calls, texts (sms) and he visited me every three months.  At first it had worked okay but later on, we were not contented anymore with just talking on the phone, so we both decided to take our relationship to the next level. We got married and now, here I am here in Switzerland—in the arms of my loving husband.

Looking back, I can say that keeping a relationship with somebody who is of different nationality was not easy basically because we have different cultures and we needed to go through a lot of bureaucratic processes just to be together but the end result is worth it. D and I are together and happy. Of course we still have cultural differences and these things come up every now and them but our love to each other is more than enough to triumph over all of our differences.

I am so glad that my summer break is finally here. I can relax a little bit and focus on the things that entertain me like reading and writing. In these six weeks, I also like to cultivate my new-found interest in gardening but perhaps, I should postpone that until next year because my husband and I agreed to finish the house’s interior first before we beautify our small garden. I am not complaining at all as there are other things that could easily occupy me like blogging, taking photos, and facebooking.

My husband told me that I spend so much time in front of the computer and I know that I can really be so excessive with it sometimes but I hope that he can see the positive side of it. When I am in front of my laptop, I am not spending money (haha!) and he knows that when I go out, I spend money and I spend A LOT.

I really want to get in to blogging again like in 2007 and 2008. I want to be earning from my blogs again so I really want to build them up now. I feel sorry that I am taking so much time from our “supposedly” quality time with each other and spending it on my online activities but I badly want to work as much as I can on my blogs. In September, I’ll be going back to teaching and that means, I’ll be very busy again. I will also be studying this coming semester so I am not sure how much time I could spend on this particular hobby. Probably zero.

So now, I want to prepare my blogs for the time that I can’t tend to them. For this blog, my friend Lamielle will help me out. I know she’s got a lot of things to say about intercultural marriages because she’s in one. She’s a busy bee because she’s taking a lot of classes like yoga and German, and on top of those things, she’s pregnant but she said she’d be able to put up a post or two for this site. I think that would be nice.

And for the other blogs, I have to manage them all by myself. I plan to create posts and just schedule their publishing dates.  I hope I can do that before September. For now, let’s look forward to Lamielle’s posts on this blog.