Written on : August 12, 2007
This is now the second part of my rants about intercultural marriage. If you missed the first part, you may want to read it first.
Before I proceed I would like to clarify something because my boyfriend, who is religiously reading what I write here, requested so. I would like to make it clear that all examples I write here doesn’t necessarily refer to us. Like for instance “not showering everyday” (mentioned in the first part). Imagine my boyfriend’s horror when it occurred to him that other people, who read the first part of this article, might be thinking that one of us is not showering everyday. Haha! We do shower everyday. So please note that I am just talking “in general”.
Enough with the clarification and on to the real topic–things to consider before plunging into an intercultural marriage. I have discussed the first two and I will now proceed with the third point.
It depends on the willingness of the couple of meet each other halfway. OK so, you have discussed your upbringing, principles, beliefs, traditions, ect with your partner. Some are completely acceptable and some are acceptable on conditions. So discuss how far you are willing to give or take. A very good example to this is the one we know so well—Asians do send money to back home. They work and send a part of their salary back home. It is expected of them. It would make them feel utterly guilty if they turn their back from this expectation, responsibility, role, or how ever you want to put it. Most westerners on the other hand, don’t do this. If they send money to their parents, their parents might feel embarrassed or offended in contrast to the pride, happiness and thankfulness Asian parents would feel every time they receive money from their children working somewhere. Sending money to parents is way of life to Asians. It has a deep explanation but that deserve another article in another page and I will not go into that now. Going back to my point—if your partner (considering that you are Asian) is not completely ok that you send money back home, what then? Say—you won’t touch his money and send it at home. Say—you just send a part of your very own salary. Say—you just send a particular amount each month or year. Say—you will stop sending money after a few more years or when you get children of your own. Negotiate. Settle. Talk about it until you both agree on one thing and then of course, both must follow whatever you agreed on.
I am sure that there are more things to consider before going into an intercultural marriage. Probe into these then decide. If you are already into an intercultural marriage and you are having problems with your partner, it’s not yet too late. Sit down, talk, and settle. This marriage is special because there is the word “intercultural” but it is just like other marriages, the couple still needs to work on it constantly to make it successful.
If you want to share your experiences, to warn or encourage others, or to comment on this article, you are welcome to do so.
I was once asked what difficulties I encounter being in an intercultural marriage and I thought not much because my husband and I talked about almost all of the important things from the start. It was not enough to say that we love each other. It was also important to make some things clear.