This week’s post is totally different from the regular posts you normally read here and that is because it is from our guest writer, Kate Yu. I suppose her honest and figurative tone definitely gives an interesting color to this blog.

Kate is a talented young writer who is currently teaching in China while pursuing a career in writing. Her blog, Live Out of the Box, showcases not only her opinions and advices on traveling, teaching, personal development, and other things but also her writing prowess. I met her through her blog and I have to say that I was, and still am, impressed by her works. When I learned that she writes guest posts, I didn’t hesitate to ask her to make one for Bizarre Marriage even if I know that she’s not in an intercultural relationship because I believe that an opinion from her, a nonconformist outsider, is still worth reading.

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I saw her grinding the dance floor with a man old enough to be in her grandfather. She could’ve been fourteen but it was hard to tell with her thigh length shorts and f— me boots. She was allowing him full of access to her chest and her face was practically covered by his saliva. I was disgusted with such blatant display of pedophilia and wondered why she would stoop so low till I saw a glint of his balding golden hair and the wallet full of cash.

Ah.

She was a Pinay whore.

It’s women like these that can give decent Pinays a bad name. All you have to say is one word, “Filipina.” and foreign men look upon you as fresh meat they want to jump into bed with. I’ve had this experience in China where I work as a teacher. Just by saying my nationality was enough for one American to tag along with us for half an hour uninvited, a leery glimmer in his eye. My friend Belle told a Frenchman where she was from and was immediately offered HK$5,000 on the spot for one night.

What’s a decent girl to do? Whoredom isn’t our profession but it might have well been tattooed on our foreheads. It’s hard to shake away this tainted assumption what for every Filipino woman earning a respectable living out there, there’s twice the number of hoes spreading their mocca colored legs.

Worse than whores, are those notorious Filipina gold-diggers who milk men endlessly for their money and a one way ticket to their country. A cloud of this doubt settled in on Chinese expat Shelly’s relationship. She was in love with Harry, a scholarly Brit till he accused her one night in a jealous rage of using him to get into UK. “I don’t need your goddamned passport!” she snarled. “And FYI, you can keep your cash because I make more money than you!”. That was the last Harry saw of her.

These are just some of the many problems other Filipinas encounter should they ever find love in a foreign man’s arms. It’s sad that such relationships would be stained with such stereotyping. But as long as families remain unfed, Filipinas as young as twelve year olds would be forced to take up the garter belt to please the sex-starved old men in the world. The unclean assumptions would continue to spread like unshakeable noxious smog. And for the rest with decent jobs? Spat at those who misjudge you and prove them wrong. No matter how much false misconception is out there, we have enough guts to rise above it. If he still thinks of you as some cheap hussy, then leave him with your dignity and respect intact. You’re worth way more than that and you know it.

Whoever said love was easy?

If you haven’t yet, I advice you to read the first part before reading this one.

Now, let me remind you, I am not a professional psychologist or an expert when it comes to relationships. I am merely expressing my opinions based on my own observations, experiences, and from what I gather from friends who are in the same situation.

Last time, I discussed about how to tame a sulking Filipina when they are acting up all weird and cold. This time, I will suggest the only option I can think of to win her back when all else have failed. Now, let’s make things clear. This is supposing that it is your fault, that she still loves you, and that the only reason why she is turning away from you is because she’s hurt and not because she doesn’t love you anymore. Clear?

Ok, supposing you have hurt her deeply and now she’s crying non-stop, ignoring you, refusing to talk to and to see you, or she’s leaving you. You tried everything you can to make things okay between the two of you but nothing worked. Then it’s time to for a “go-between”.

Ask somebody, preferably one or both of her parents to go in between. Why? Filipinas give so much regard to their parents; they respect and listen to them. The only way you can get to her is through them. This is one good reason why you should try to create a good relationship with you in-laws. You’ll never know when you need them for help such as this.

So, talk to her parents. Explain what happened and tell them that you tried every thing in your power to make things okay but you failed and you need their help. Tell them sincerely that you love their daughter (that you’ll go to the end of the earth with her etc… you know these kind of things… just don’t over do it). They’re more likely willing to help and it is more likely that it is going to work because she is more likely going to listen to her parents. (Like I can’t use “more likely” enough).

So that’s it.

I guess everything I am saying here only works if you have a real relationship with a Filipina. If you know each other and you know each other’s background. If you just know her and she’s acting up all primadonna-ish, moody, and bitchy then leave her! The Philippines is a home of lovely girls with great characteristics but we have lovely girls with no-so-great characteristics too so before you make yourself a slave to your dream Filipina, get to know her first.

I got a comment in my other blog but that comment is intended for my previous entry in this blog, so I’ll address it here.

Here’s the comment:

I went to your Bizarre Marriage blog and identified so much with what you wrote. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get any of the links there to work so I’m back to Sol Latino writing about your revelations. It is really helpful to understand some of what happened but you’re absolutely right, once pagtatampo sets in, a herd of elephants could not get an angry Pinay to say anything. And I noticed that no matter what I said after that, it was taken in the wrong context, in fact, in the very worst light. As a typical male trying to solve the problem, I pushed for communication and angered her so much that I finally got a response. It was not a pleasant one. I saw my tiny, beautiful, sweet Pinay become possessed. She was harsh and rude and vicious and then hung up on me and was silent for days. Thank you for helping me understand that behavior that so puzzled me.

In my Mexican culture, we also look down on walang modo. In fact, a person can have little or no formal education, but if their social etiquette is poor, they are frowned upon. That seems to be changing now or maybe its changing with Mexican Americans who too often lack the manners which are part of our heritage. Anyway, thank you for these insights and please keep them coming.

All my Pinoy friends are gone, any chance you can get some advice on how to deal with pagtatampo .

First, let me express my apologies. This blog was acting up all weird last week and I honestly don’t know why. There must have been some problems with my web host. But anyway here’s what I have to say.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any Filipino guy friend around to ask about how they deal with their sweet pinays who are in a “tampo” mode so I’ll tell you something which is based on my own opinion. Now take note that because of individuality, this might not work with your beloved pinay.

If a Filipina is sulking then she really would like to be left alone so don’t bombard her with all your questions. If you noticed that she’s quiet, not talking, or acting cold and weird ask her one question: “What’s wrong?” If by any miracle she explains why she’s acting weird then you should thank all your saints because normally, the best answer you’ll get is “Nothing.” Now I understand that this will leave you in a very uncomfortable spot but be patient. Back in the Philippines we have a saying that goes something like “You can’t cool down a hot-headed person while being a hot-headed person yourself.” Patience is always the key. After hearing her cold answer, say something like “Alright, but I’m just here when you’re ready to talk.” After saying that, you should mean it. This is not a pass for you to have a boy’s night out—you’ll make her even madder. You let her be but stay around so she can feel that you’re really just there when she’s ready to talk. When you feel that things are easing up a little bit or she’s starting to warm up again, give her some “cariño”. I cannot exactly explain what that means but just to give you an idea… “cariño” could be a warm hug or a kiss on the forehead. You don’t have to have sex with her actually, don’t even try to have sex with her. This will only make things worse. Just be loving to her. If she cries, wipe her tears but don’t tell her to stop. Just let her cry while your arms are wrapped around her. You’ll see that after a good cry, she’ll be okay again. That would be the time to get her talk about what happened.

This is just to give you an idea on how to deal with her simple “tampo”. If it’s a major “tampo”, well that’s another story.

If by any chance you are a Filipina and you are reading this, you are welcome to add your suggestions, advices, and comments.

Alright, you’ve heard of the stereotypes therefore you can say that you have an idea of what a Filipina is like. You see, I am not saying that all these labels are right or are false but every Filipina, like every woman in the world, is entitled to her own uniqueness so forget the stereotypes. If you really want to get to know a Filipina then that would need way more than chatting or reading her profile in some sites. Here’s a quick note—I have nothing against meeting your partner online (with the intent to meet her in person and really get to know her before anything else) and I honestly have nothing against decent dating sites but I strongly oppose sites which are marketing women (not just Filipinas) like commodities.

So anyway, getting to know a Filipina would entail effort from you. Chit chats and small talks are nice but if you really want to get to know her that would require meaningful conversations with her over a cup of coffee or a walk with her in a park or a visit to her house with her family there. I could go on with the list but you should have understood my point by now. Get to know her deeply. Get to know the people and the things she loves as well as those she hates because only then she’ll truly appreciate you.

In line with this topic and my monthly Worthy Reads, here are some splendid articles written about Filipinas by Filipinas themselves. I have read each and every article and was impressed by all of them so I recommend them to you. And if you must know, these articles are entries to the essay writing contest hosted by FilipinaImages.com in line with Women’s Month and the launching of WikiPilipinas.org’s Encyclopedia of Philippine Women—a portal that provides unlimited information about Filipinas’ successes and triumphs anywhere.

Enjoy!

No More Filipina in a Shopping Cart

That Portrait of a Filipina

Bi-Cultural Pinay

Filipina 2.0

Filipina—Woman of Character

Restoring the Image of a Filipina at our Fingertips

From Fan to Fist

How Dating Websites Commodify the Filipina: A Pseudo-Case Study

The Filipina Doctor: Coming Full Circle

My Own Fairy Tale

Filipina women are generally frank when they have something nice to say. Like when they like your new haircut or when they think you did a good job at something. They normally say what they think if it’s nothing negative. And when it comes to expressing criticisms or passing on bad news, given that these “must be expressed”, you can often expect that it will be said in a nice less shocking way. When they’re the ones in the receiving end, they also expect that things are conveyed to them gently.

Now what does that have to do with her indescribable attitude when she (a Filipina) is mad? If you have hurt her feelings, you can expect to receive a very “cold shoulder” or worse, a “silent treatment”? You can be sure to get a plain and cold “yes”, “no”, or “maybe” to every question you ask. If it is bad, she may not talk to or even look at you at all.

Why?

You see, Filipinas are taught not to talk back to their parents (the persons they love and respect), to their older siblings, to teachers and other people of authority otherwise they will be branded as “bastos” (rude, discourteous) or “walang modo” (uncouth, uneducated, ill-mannered). In Filipino culture, a child (at any age) talking back to her parents is completely unacceptable. When her parents scold her about something, she’s not supposed to reason out unless asked. In this case obviously the child cannot express herself through words. She can only let her parents know how she feels through “pagtatampo” (sulking—the nearest English equivalent). She will refuse to talk to anybody, refuse to eat, and other things that will alienate herself from the family. This is the reason why Filipinas are so indirect when it comes to saying they’re mad and when it comes to confronting you about why they are mad. Culture taught them this.

How do you deal with her when she is in “pagtatampo” mode?

Well, if you know a Filipino man… it’s best to get advice from him.