While my husband and I were in the car driving somewhere last weekend, we’ve been randomly talking about things and people we both know. I don’t like to go into too much details but our topic was European-Asian relationships. At some point, I asked him why he does not like to hang out with a certain European-Asian couple and here’s what he said.

Look, I don’t want to be in a league with guys who are married to Asians because they can’t get a decent European woman. I am not like that and I don’t like to be compared to them or to be associated with them in any way. I am married to a Filipina for the very honest reason that I fell in love with you, and not because I am a loser and can’t find a decent European woman.

That is of course very sweet of him but at the same time, harsh. Harsh not to me but to the couple we’ve been talking about (even if they were not there). But I understand where my husband is coming from. You see, some people can be really judgmental that they immediately think that there’s something wrong with a European guy married to a woman from a third world country. Things like…he’s probably just plain ugly, incredibly fat, awfully missing some teeth, too old and balding. Or if it’s not about his looks, it could be because of something else; he’s probably an alcoholic, a psychologically troubled person, a pervert, or a complete asshole that no European women can stand him. Things like that (and a lot more) are immediately linked to guys married to women from third world nations.

Now, can we blame these people when 90% of intercultural marriages fall exactly in their boxes?

I don’t know but here’s my personal take on this. If people look at us without cynicism, they’ll immediately see that my husband and I look, talk, think, and behave in a completely normal way. Without cynicism, they can immediately tell that we are together because of the most honest reason. But there will be always people who are judgmental and they can be really annoying sometimes but I don’t let them get to me and that is also what I tell my husband and friends who are in intercultural relationships.

Every woman always desires for a simple and a headache free life. Meet the man of her dreams and build a happy family. In short, I am one of them.  After having two relationships, two break ups I have told myself that I have had enough. The last break up even made me left the Philippines and looked for a teaching job in China as part of moving on. Well, I still hoped for my so-called “Mr. Right” to come along. I never knew that I would be married now. How would I had known? How would one know who and from where her right man would be?

After two or more years of waiting for my “Mr. Right”, in the middle of winter in 2008, I have met him through a friend (and oh yes! He is German).  At the beginning of our dates, he always told me that he never wanted to have a girlfriend and never wanted to marry.  Therefore, it was the same as other couples’ love stories—a love at first sight. But then, who can resist the beauty and the charm of a Filipina (wink)? Many people say that marrying somebody in the same race is still the best. You would not have any problems with language and cultural differences. You can express everything you want to, either in anger or pleasure, and be sure that you would be understood. But who cares about what others say? For me, he’s the most thoughtful, compassionate, caring, and loving man I have ever met. He sounds perfect, yeah?! What else should I say? I love him and he loves me. When we decided to become a couple after months, it was not that easy. He went back to Germany and I stayed in China. We just met every time he visited me in China during summers and we had holidays together in the Philippines during winters. That was for 2 years.  He met my family and he knows most about me. Long distance relationships are not easy. We see each other almost every day online; it seems that we’re close to each other but yet far. On his holiday in China in August 2009, he proposed for marriage. We decided to marry the following year. I am acquainted with problems in interracial marriages but did not anticipate them until then. I have to get a visa, and getting it requires a lot of documents. The fact that I am from Asia and he’s from Europe made everything extra complicated.  I have to learn basic German language, pass the exam and get a certificate. The German embassy has to do a background investigation of me and some more other stuffs.

But hey! We did it! He’s the one and I am the one. We have gone well so far. I got a fiancée visa and I’m now happily married to my “Mr. Right”.  I am sure that there will be more problems to come and to overcome!

When I was young, I never thought of marrying a foreigner. In fact I was scared of them and always thought that they have bad attitudes and bad smell (please forgive my ignorance).  I did not realize that I was wrong until I moved to Dubai to work there.  Working in Dubai gave me the chance to meet a lot of nice people from all over the world and this is how I met the man who took my breath way.

As a Filipina I always dreamt of having a better life at some point in the future. And since I grew up in the small town of Zamboanga City, I decided to leave my own country and try my luck outside the Philippines. Little did I know that this journey will take me to find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Yes, our love story is not that different from any other couples. At the time we met, I was working in a hotel and D was in town for a business trip.  From the moment we set eyes on each other, we both hit it off and from then on, we knew that we do not want to be away from each other. However, we lived on two different continents—thousands of miles away from each other. It was a difficult situation but our distance was not a reason to keep us from loving each other so we continued our relationship while employing all kinds of technology to stay in touch with each other. We used chats, emails, long distance calls, texts (sms) and he visited me every three months.  At first it had worked okay but later on, we were not contented anymore with just talking on the phone, so we both decided to take our relationship to the next level. We got married and now, here I am here in Switzerland—in the arms of my loving husband.

Looking back, I can say that keeping a relationship with somebody who is of different nationality was not easy basically because we have different cultures and we needed to go through a lot of bureaucratic processes just to be together but the end result is worth it. D and I are together and happy. Of course we still have cultural differences and these things come up every now and them but our love to each other is more than enough to triumph over all of our differences.

It’s a Sunday today and as usual my monumental laundry is already taking their sweet time in the washer and the dryer. I’m already done with my grocery errand and just had a sorbet for lunch. I am not feeling well today. I have not been feeling good lately… I feel nauseous in the morning… I feel like I want to throw up every now and then… and I am always cranky with a little burst of dramatic mood most of the time. I BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT!

Today, I finally got the chance to sit down and browse on my favorite websites. And this is one of them. I love this website. This website and I had a history way back when I was still new in this country (USA). This website served as my outlet to release stress and to keep my sanity intact.

Like Myla, I am also in an interracial marriage. Myla and I have common denominators that made us virtual sisters that we are, a relationship so special that even if we have not met each other in person, we have a certain bond that drew us closer, virtually of course. Why not? We both married foreigners. I met her when she was still in China and from then on she became my sounding board. I was a whiner and a cry baby and Myla patiently listened to all my whining.

I constantly whine because I was once one of those women she described who has difficulty in adjusting to a foreign land. It was a difficult transition for me despite the fact that I was very much aware of what to expect in this country and from my then Fiancé. Before I come here, I was all prepared… emotionally, physically and spiritually. But then I guess I didn’t prepare well enough or I must say… the reality is different from my expectations.

I met my American husband online and got married. And just like any other interracial marriages, mine is no extra-ordinary. I thought it would be easy.

I had a better life in the Philippines… I don’t do many chores and spend more time in the spa having a body scrub than scrubbing floors. I don’t cook my meals and spend more time [and money] dining out or dining at a friend’s place. And I don’t even have to worry to get my well-manicured fingers dirty sweeping the floor or working in my garden because there is always someone who does the dirty work for me.

Coming here… I thought would be easy. I had to do chores and have never been in the spa since I came here. And yes, I scrub floors. I had to cook meals but hubby would treat me to a Chinese every Friday night. My fingernails are now short and un-manicured because I need to do the dishes… and help hubby rake the yard [fall], shovel snow [winter], weed the vegetable garden [spring], and gold pan [summer].

Living here… I thought would be easy. Oh well, I survived 4 seasons and I am used to Maine winter now. My life here is an endless struggle and unending discovery of new things that constantly fascinate me if not surprise me. Having a great life in the Philippines is indeed a blessing I will forever be thankful for. And living a different life here in Maine is a blessing that opened up my eyes to appreciate the best things I had, cherish them and forever be grateful.

I don’t say that I am disappointed with my life here. Maybe, I was more disappointed with myself for being such a baby. My husband did not promise me the moon and the stars when we first met and I had to admit he practically explained to me everything what I should expect from him. He was honest from the very start. He did not claim that he is a rich guy but a poor carpenter who just wanted to start a life with me and to grow old with.

Being in an interracial marriage was not that easy, I had to admit… but just what Myla said… the love we have for each other made every struggle easier and worth-living for.

I was watching a TV program some days ago and it was about people who are in search for partners. One of the candidates is a restaurateur who is once married to a Southeast Asian woman. When the TV host asked him what ended his first marriage he said it was because his ex-wife didn’t like it in Austria and that living in Austria turned out to be contrary to what she had imagined.

Not once did I hear about something like that and it is just sad.

Being in a relationship with someone whose cultures and traditions are different from yours is already difficult and for some it could be too much to take if it is topped with the difficulties of adjusting to a new country.

Knowing my husband long enough before we moved in his country helped a lot because I didn’t have to take both at once. I’ve first gotten used to the fact that our cultures are different before I have to face adjusting to living in his country. When we moved here in Austria, I didn’t have to worry about whether we’ll get along or not because I already know that we get along well and that he is how he is wherever he is (China, Philippines, Austria) so I can focus on adjusting to living here.

Is it easy?

Well I guess it depends on what kind of person you are and what goals you have.

There are some who think that living in the rich countries is like living in the land of milk and honey. Normally, these are the ones who marry rich guys (or so they think). A woman of this kind will surely have the shock of her life when she arrives in her partner’s country and find out that he is, well…. not rich. I think adjusting will surely be difficult for her.

There are some who just take it all. A woman of this kind will do anything to be able to leave her country even if it means marrying somebody she doesn’t love. She is normally the one who, upon arriving to her partner’s country, will take anything—a lousy job and even an abusive husband. I think adjusting is not a question to her because she’s determined to be there.

And there are some who are like me.

I am here because I am in love. That can’t be cornier than it is already but it’s true. I know I can live anywhere just as long as I am with my husband. He is my home.

And because we decided that is it best for us to settle in Austria, I want to have a normal life here. Learning the language and the way of living here could be stressful for people like me who take it seriously. I want to know the city, to get along with people, to get a decent job, to have some friends, to be able to function well in the society, and to be a responsible resident (that is not to say that I’ll forget about being a Filipino, no no). I just want to be able to integrate and to feel comfortable living here. It is not easy specially the “getting a decent job” part. Failure of getting the jobs I want pulled me emotionally down at some point and there were some days I cried. On such days, my husband would lovingly pull me to lay close beside him on our tiny couch and would wipe my tears while reminding me that I have plenty of time so I don’t need to put pressure on myself, that there’s no pressure from him about me getting a job, that he’s always there and that everything will be alright.

I realized that I am not the only one who’s going through a difficult time. My husband took it upon himself to make me feel happy here and I can tell that whenever I am feeling sad, he feels twice as sad. So whenever I start to pity myself, I think of him and all the things he needs to do for me like sending me to language schools, sending me to a driving school, accompanying me to appointments, driving me to places, ordering in restaurants for me, translating what was said to me, teaching me and showing me things new to me, etc. It is pretty much like raising a helpless baby. And not once did he complain about doing all these.

Life would have been a little less hard if we were of the same nationality and were living in “our” country but it is not like that and that is why marriages like ours are special because there are things like “integration” that we have to think about and for such, we have to exert some extra effort.

So is it difficult adjusting to living in his country?

For me, it was but I am now doing well because I was not in it alone. My husband was there too.

Marrying for money or wealth can be traced back to the beginnings of civilization. In the ancient times, physically strong men are sought after by women for marriage simply because of two reasons. First is the very obvious one; women can depend on their brawny husbands to hunt and feed the family and the second reason is because in their times, hunters and warriors have better chances to be chosen to lead a clan therefore marrying one of them will assure a woman of a place in their society.

Marrying for financial and social security is being practiced since the beginning of time. It’s nothing new. “Strong” changed its meaning through the centuries but the very idea is still there. Today,  “strong” men are those who have money or a good position in politics, business, or well known institutions and women still go for them.

What does it have to do with intercultural marriage? Well, a lot. See all these young women from third world countries getting married to older western guys from richer nations. Is it because of love? Most of the time, it is not. Is it right? One can only argue but this is a controversy has never been solve.

See a picture of an old western guy with a young Asian wife who both get what they expect from their relationship; the guy gets companionship and the girl gets relief from financial constraints plus she’s able to help her family back in Asia. Given that they stay faithful and nice to each other, this can be considered “picture perfect”.

But is it really?

The cultural differences between couples in intercultural marriage are difficult enough to deal with even if there is the presence of “love” so imagine one without it. It could only be a relationship without love but is toppled with expectations—such can only lead to disaster. Both persons will always feel that they are being used by the other and therefore, they will not be truly happy.

But still a lot of young women willingly do it and many older guys agree to such arrangement. For the guy, it could be because of desperation to have somebody and the fear of being alone for the rest of his life and for the girl, it could be because of poverty, obligations, and ambition. They put “love” aside or they hope that it will somehow blossom overtime.

Looking at it from the outside, one can say that this kind of relationship is doomed, shallow, or hypocritical but we know that only the person himself can defined his happiness and for the people who marry for something other than love, their happiness could be defined by the benefits of getting into such relationship. For them, it could still be “picture perfect.”

Mail-order Bride is a thing of the past. But intercultural marriage is still the thing of the present. Intercultural relationship defied discrimination against race. Intercultural marriage challenged cultural barriers. And intercultural union disputed geographical obstacles. Therefore, there is nothing that can change or alter it because of one important reason – it is acceptable. Two people of different culture, race, tradition, orientation and background are bind together with common understanding, dedication, acceptance and commitment. And with these facts, our society has totally recognized its existence if not the significance of this kind of relationship.

Online dating is just one aspect of intercultural marriages. With the gift of technology, more people become more open-minded and less prejudice. They welcome new prospects in terms of relationship or simple association. They are tolerant to new kind of commitment or compromise. That is why more people are embracing this kind of interpersonal affair.

I have no regrets. Since I wouldn’t have taken any other route, it is a fact that this is the kind of relationship that I really wanted for myself. Intercultural relationship is my personal choice. Nobody pushed me into it. Decision making is both a struggle and a process. It was not easy. I had to make sacrifices. I had to take into considerations a lot of things other than my personal judgment. And I had to accept a lot of things that are parts and parcels of the relationship. ©