Dear Schatz,

It’s more than a month since my last letter. A lot has happened since then but I am glad that the changes were all positive.

I am glad we had that talk. I am glad that you listened to me. I am glad that you understand me. I am glad that from then on, you are trying to change some things.

I listened to you too and I also understand you so I am also now trying to change some things.

I specially appreciate your effort to spend more time with me in the last weeks. I appreciate your effort in helping me more with the house work. You were already helping me before but as you know, this place is more demanding than our previous flat.  I also appreciate that you consult me now with everything you want to do with the house. In return, I am trying to minimize my work related tasks to have more time for you and for other things like cooking and baking—things you so want me to learn.

And I am glad that all our efforts are working.

We’re more relaxed now. I hope this will continue.

Ich liebe dich!

Kussl,
Schatzl



I was watching a TV program some days ago and it was about people who are in search for partners. One of the candidates is a restaurateur who is once married to a Southeast Asian woman. When the TV host asked him what ended his first marriage he said it was because his ex-wife didn’t like it in Austria and that living in Austria turned out to be contrary to what she had imagined.

Not once did I hear about something like that and it is just sad.

Being in a relationship with someone whose cultures and traditions are different from yours is already difficult and for some it could be too much to take if it is topped with the difficulties of adjusting to a new country.

Knowing my husband long enough before we moved in his country helped a lot because I didn’t have to take both at once. I’ve first gotten used to the fact that our cultures are different before I have to face adjusting to living in his country. When we moved here in Austria, I didn’t have to worry about whether we’ll get along or not because I already know that we get along well and that he is how he is wherever he is (China, Philippines, Austria) so I can focus on adjusting to living here.

Is it easy?

Well I guess it depends on what kind of person you are and what goals you have.

There are some who thinks that living in the rich countries is like living in the land of milk and honey. Normally, these are the ones who marry rich guys (or so they think). A woman of this kind will surely have the shock of her life when she arrives in her partner’s country and find out that he is, well…. not rich. I think adjusting will surely be difficult for her.

There are some who just take it all. A woman of this kind will do anything to be able to leave her country even if it means marrying somebody she doesn’t love. She is normally the one who, upon arriving to her partner’s country, will take anything—a lousy job and even an abusive husband. I think adjusting is not a question to her because she’s determined to be there.

And there are some who are like me.

I am here because I am in love. That can’t be cornier than it is already but it’s true. I know I can live anywhere just as long as I am with my husband. He is my home.

And because we decided that is it best for us to settle in Austria, I want to have a normal life here. Learning the language and the way of living here could be stressful for people like me who take it seriously. I want to know the city, to get along with people, to get a decent job, to have some friends, to be able to function well in the society, and to be a responsible resident (that is not to say that I’ll forget about being a Filipino, no no). I just want to be able to integrate and to feel comfortable living here. It is not easy specially the “getting a decent job” part. Failure of getting the jobs I want pulled me emotionally down at some point and there were some days I cried. On such days, my husband would lovingly pull me to lay close beside him on our tiny couch and would wipe my tears while reminding me that I have plenty of time so I don’t need to put pressure on myself, that there’s no pressure from him about me getting a job, that he’s always there and that everything will be alright.

I realized that I am not the only one who’s going through a difficult time. My husband took it upon himself to make me feel happy here and I can tell that whenever I am feeling sad, he feels twice as sad. So whenever I start to pity myself, I think of him and all the things he needs to do for me like sending me to language schools, sending me to a driving school, accompanying me to appointments, driving me to places, ordering in restaurants for me, translating what was said to me, teaching me and showing me things new to me, etc. It is pretty much like raising a helpless baby. And not once did he complain about doing all these.

Life would have been a little less hard if we were of the same nationality and were living in “our” country but it is not like that and that is why marriages like ours are special because there are things like “integration” that we have to think about and for such, we have to exert some extra effort.

So is it difficult adjusting to living in his country?

For me, it was but I am now doing well because I was not in it alone. My husband was there too.

Most of the people we know are amazed at the fact that after almost three years of being together my husband and I still act like we are a new couple. No bickering, no deadly stares, no sarcasms. We are always sweet to each other so people started to ask us how are we able to do it.

I don’t know exactly but I have a good feeling that the fact that we don’t share a toilet and bathroom has something to do with it (LOL). The flat we lived in in Changchun and the flat we are living in now have two bathrooms so we just kind of agree who’s going to use which bathroom.

We don’t have to wait turns. Nobody needs to knock at the door and beg the other person because he/she urgently needs to use the bathroom. And if we have to go somewhere else, we can prepare at the same time. This means nobody has to wait several minutes for the other person while that other person is preparing. Also, since I am confident that I am the only one using “my” bathroom, I can leave a few strands of hair on the floor when I am rushing without worrying that there will be somebody complaining. Same is with my husband. He can freely use his electric shaver without minding a few of his facial shavings being scattered around the sink. We can clean our bathrooms in our own time or we can wait for the maid to do it. Nobody is bothered. Nobody is disturbed. Everything is sunshine.

I wonder how it is going to be in Europe. We are moving there in April and the flat waiting for us has only one toilet and bathroom.

Marrying for money or wealth can be traced back to the beginnings of civilization. In the ancient times, physically strong men are sought after by women for marriage simply because of two reasons. First is the very obvious one; women can depend on their brawny husbands to hunt and feed the family and the second reason is because in their times, hunters and warriors have better chances to be chosen to lead a clan therefore marrying one of them will assure a woman of a place in their society.

Marrying for financial and social security is being practiced since the beginning of time. It’s nothing new. “Strong” changed its meaning through the centuries but the very idea is still there. Today,  “strong” men are those who have money or a good position in politics, business, or well known institutions and women still go for them.

What does it have to do with intercultural marriage? Well, a lot. See all these young women from third world countries getting married to older western guys from richer nations. Is it because of love? Most of the time, it is not. Is it right? One can only argue but this is a controversy has never been solve.

See a picture of an old western guy with a young Asian wife who both get what they expect from their relationship; the guy gets companionship and the girl gets relief from financial constraints plus she’s able to help her family back in Asia. Given that they stay faithful and nice to each other, this can be considered “picture perfect”.

But is it really?

The cultural differences between couples in intercultural marriage are difficult enough to deal with even if there is the presence of “love” so imagine one without it. It could only be a relationship without love but is toppled with expectations—such can only lead to disaster. Both persons will always feel that they are being used by the other and therefore, they will not be truly happy.

But still a lot of young women willingly do it and many older guys agree to such arrangement. For the guy, it could be because of desperation to have somebody and the fear of being alone for the rest of his life and for the girl, it could be because of poverty, obligations, and ambition. They put “love” aside or they hope that it will somehow blossom overtime.

Looking at it from the outside, one can say that this kind of relationship is doomed, shallow, or hypocritical but we know that only the person himself can defined his happiness and for the people who marry for something other than love, their happiness could be defined by the benefits of getting into such relationship. For them, it could still be “picture perfect.”

I know I have written about divorce in the Philippines in my other blog but I also have to write about it here specially because this blog is not only about intercultural relationships but this blog is also about married couples and marriage as a whole. Now, for those of you who don’t know yet, there is no divorce in the Philippines. Meaning Philippine citizens can only marry once until their partner dies or until their marriage is annulled.

There is a huge difference between annulment and divorce but in simple words, annulment can be defined as the process of proving that a marriage is not valid. Annulment needs deeper reasons and these reasons should be proven before an annulment is granted and once it’s granted, the two persons in an annulled marriage can marry other persons. Divorce, on the other hand is a legal act to dissolve a marriage and reasons for divorce can be anything. Is there annulment in the Philippines? Yes. Is it easy to get an annulment and can any couple apply for an annulment? No and no. Why? Well for annulment, you need a “valid” reason to begin with. Is your spouse gay? Is your spouse mentally crazy and you only learned about it after the marriage? Were you too young when you got married making you “psychologically incapacitate” at the time of your marriage (or vice versa)? These are just some of the accepted reasons but I tell you, there aren’t a lot. Reasons like home violence and infidelity are not accepted as grounds for annulment. And for people who like to get out of a failed marriage, they normally can just result to separation which can end marital problems but does not stop the marriage. Meaning, separated couples are still considered by the law as “married” and therefore they cannot remarry.

What if you are married to somebody who is not Filipino? What if you married outside the Philippines? Can you get divorced? The answer is a big fat NO. You see, when you get married to a foreign person in another country, you normally register your marriage to the nearest Philippine Embassy. You need to do this specially if you need to change your name in your Passport and because Philippine Law demands that you do. Once you register your marriage to the embassy, you’ll be regarded as “married” so no matter where you are, if you are a Filipino, you are still under and you are still expected to abide by the Philippine Law. Your foreign spouse can divorce you but you can’t divorce your foreign spouse. Why? Because your foreign spouse is not bound to the Philippine Law but you are. Your non-Filipino spouse can remarry but you can’t.

Many will dispute this but I personally agree that the proposed Divorce Bill in the Philippines should be approve immediately because I believe that there is no sanctity in an oppressive marriage and for a person who is in such deserve to get out from it should be given a chance to find quality marital relationship with another person.

I have been having doubts about whether I should post our story here or not.

You see if I let the whole world (that would be like 10-20 people who read this blog…hehe) read about us, I might be giving away some very personal information that we are not comfortable letting the public know about but I thought this blog is personal and it could be about anything but it is basically about us being in an interracial marriage so before I can reach out to my readers who are interested in this topic, I feel that I should tell them our story from the very beginning so… here it is.

***

At age 23, I quit working as an import/export clerk in a garment manufacturing company in the Philippines because like most of the young people in my country, I wanted to try my luck abroad. I thought it will be hard to get a job outside the country but it was actually too easy to for me to get a teaching job here in China. I met an agent online. She promised to find a school for me and in return, I should pay her a minimal amount. I agreed and after a few weeks, she called me and informed me that a school is waiting for me. It was sometime in November 2005 when I flew to China with half empty luggage and a heart full of hopes.

Right upon my arrival here, I realized that working abroad it is not as pleasant as I imagined it to be. My agent imposed a 50% off my salary as her cut and she demanded that I leave my passport to her. Other than the money I agreed to pay her for finding me a school, she’ll get her cut every month from my salary. It was very cunning of her not to mention these to me before I left my country and it was stupid of me not to ask about such important details. See, I signed the contract when I arrived here in China and that time, I am left with two choices. Either I stomach all that is in the contract or go back home to the Philippines without anything. I chose the less humiliating option—I stayed.

A small sized school three hours away from the second class city of Changchun became my workplace for a year. Within this year, I worked hard for a minimal salary, I got sick several times because I am not used to the weather, and I met a lot of people. I even fell in love, got into a relationship, and endured the pain of breaking up. All that happened in eight months and I remember swearing to immediately fly back home as son as I get my passport.

But there were also good things that happened before my year long contract ended. I came in contact with fellow teachers who later became friends and strangers who became acquaintances. Most importantly, Marcus and I met each other.

Marcus is a young engineer who has so must zest for traveling so without any responsibility holding him in Europe, he grabbed the opportunity to travel and work in China. He arrived here during the first few months of 2006 but I didn’t meet him until August of that year. I was not about to get into another relationship but I fell in love with him and he to me. He’s the most symphathic guy I’ve met and for him, I am the sweetest girl in the whole world. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am to him and we were not about to let each other go so when my contract ended, I stayed. We moved in together and two months later, we got engaged. Sure, we also had some disagreements, misunderstandings, and petty quarrels but we surpass them all. Another six months later, we got married in his lovely little home town in Austria.

The villa where we got married

It’s been six months since we utter our “I dos” and it still feels like we are in our honeymoon. I know it’s very early to say that this marriage is successful (I am not sure at which point in marriage can you say that) but I know that our love for each other and the bond between us are getting stronger each day and I feel that it is going to be like this for a very long time.

This is an interesting comment on an entry in my other blog

I take that he is saying that Asian women don’t express themselves well verbally and probably sexually too. The fact is it is true. A lot Asian women aren’t the most forward women on earth. You can’t expect an Asian women to tell you if she likes you as more than a friend or not. You have to find a way to find that out by yourself because she won’t tell you until she is sure you are crazy about her. Now, if these kind of Asian women make you (a western guy) nervous, just think that these women are probably twice as nervous as you because they’ll always doubt if they are taken seriously or not. I can’t say for sure but maybe these Asian women who want marriage before anything else would like to make sure that they are not on the losing side. That you are not the kind of western guy who came to Asia, had fun (with girls), then went home alone without looking back.

Although Asian’s views on sex and marriage are getting more and more modern, it is still behind to that of the West. A decent Asian woman don’t just have sex, she have to be in a relationship and it have to be a serious relationship. If an Asian woman would give herself to somebody then in the end did not marry that person, she will feel used. She will feel that she lost her face.

On the other hand, maybe there are some who would do anything to go out of their country.

Written on : January 16, 2008

We worked out a plan concerning our problem about being away from each other for three months. I will not go to Austria this summer to study German there but I have to get a tutor here and I must take my lessons seriously. I must really learn how to speak before we go there for a two weeks vacation in May. By then, I should be good enough to pass the examination. So we will risk it. I will take the course’s examination without attending its lessons. Getting the school to agree to this is yet another thing we have to manage but right now I am just glad to know that we don’t have to be separated for 3 months.

My previous German tutor is an Austrian. I had around 10 sessions with her but she is now expecting so she needed to go back to Austria for good. Marcus got me another tutor and she is a Korean who is married to a Belgian guy. She can speak Korean, Chinese, English, Belgian, and German. Impressive. I met her today for our first lesson and I have to say that she is quite good. She’s not a native speaker of German but she teaches this language well.

Maybe a lot of you are wondering why Marcus is not teaching me. Well, Marcus is not a very good teacher. Sure he can speak perfect German (obviously because it’s his mother tongue) but he doesn’t know how to explain the intricacies of it. He can correct me if my grammar is wrong however he cannot explain why my grammar is wrong and how I can make it right. Plus, we are so used to speaking in English with each another. So far, the most difficult thing that I have to overcome in this intercultural marriage thing is that even if Marcus can speak perfect English, I still have to study German. Do you know what’s his? For him, the most difficult thing to overcome is eating balut (fertilized duck eggs).

Everything worked out with our post wedding documents. We fulfilled all the requirements and now I have my E-card (Health Insurance) and my Aufenhaltstitel (Austrian equivalent to US Green Card). I am now allowed to enter and leave Austria as I pleased without the hassles of getting a VISA. With this, I am not only allowed to stay in Austria but I am allowed to work there as well. There is just this one more thing we need to do. In Austria, immigrants are required to complete an Austrian Integration Course. This is a 300 hours course that will run in three months. In this course, one has to learn how to speak, understand, and write German. There would be some lessons about Austrian culture, tradition, and maybe history. It’s a law in Austria that every immigrant should be able to integrate in their society.

I am perfectly okay with this but there is one problem. I have the allowance to complete this course within 24 months from the day the municipal hall gave me the voucher for it. By the way, this course is being paid by the government and after completing all the lessons, I should be able to pass some sort of a test otherwise I would have to repeat the whole course again in my own expense. Given that I can attend all the classes, I am confident to say that I am pretty much sure I can pass the examination but Marcus and I are not in Austria thus I won’t be able to attend the classes. Our only option (at the moment) is that I will go to Austria in the summer and stay there for three months to attend the course and Marcus will stay in China. This is not good. Marcus and I don’t like to be away from each other that long.

Written on : November 16, 2007

I have to clarify it first—I am not advertising or promoting Filipino/non-Filipino marriages. Also note that I am not a lawyer, these are just from my personal opinions are not supposed to be taken as legal advices.

I just would like to help those who are in Filipino/non-Filipino relationship. If you are planning to marry your Filipina girlfriend but don’t know where to start with the documentation, here are some pointers for you. If you are planning to marry your Filipino girlfriend in the Philippines, these are the documents you need:

Affidavit of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage: You can request this from your embassy in Manila. If your embassy does not give such document, you can get an Affidavit in Lieu of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage. Both documents are basically saying that there are no legal impediments to the marriage but before your embassy gives you this affidavit, you must first present some/all of the following (depends from which country you are from):

-Proof of Citizenship

– Proof of Termination of Previous Marriages (if you are divorced or widower)

– Parent’s Consent (if you are under 21 years old)

Once you have your affidavit of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage or the Affidavit in Lieu of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage from your embassy and once your girlfriend has the same from the Philippine National Statistics Office, you can then proceed to the Local Civil Registrar to apply for the Marriage License. Note that you also have to present the following to the Local Civil Registrar.

- Death Certificate or Divorce Decree which shows the termination of any previous marriage (if you are divorced or widower)

– Birth, Baptismal, and Residency Certificate of your Filipina girlfriend

– Parental consent or advice, if either (or both parties are) party is under age.

You have to wait at least 10 days before the Local Civil Registrar will issue your Marriage License. The Marriage License have 120 days before it expires and this marriage license can be used anywhere in the Philippines.

Sounds pretty simple but this could take time so process the documents early on. Best wishes.