Dear Schatz,

I am super glad that I have a week off. It’s good for me. A week off my stressful work is really a blessing to my wilting soul and should be celebrated by just being lazy. Yes. Being lazy—sitting around, doing nothing, eating when I am hungry, and sleeping when I want. I feel the need to replenish my energy this way. I know that there are tons of things to do like unpacking our boxes, cleaning this and that, ironing clothes, organizing stuff, and so on but I want a break from all of these otherwise, I will get crazy.

I know that if you were the one having a week off from your work, you’ll work on the house nonstop. Unfortunately for me, I don’t have the energy or maybe the spirit to do that.

We’ve worked hard. Can we slow down a bit from here on?

And yeah, the thing I was talking about in my last letter—the thing about “buying a house” giving me a whole new insight to our relationship. You see, we never have to worry about a lot of things prior to the purchase of this house so I am quite surprise that personalities I didn’t know exist are surfacing just because we bought a house. I am not only referring to your personalities but mine as well. I realized that we are two people who want completely different things. Of course you consult me about what I want but not without giving me a preselected (by you) set of choices. It’s like… “Okay, these are the things I like, now what do you like from these things?” What happens if I want something completely out of your preselected things? I get a lengthy explanation why it is not possible, or it is not the best solution, or whatever. So what happens next? I give in and choose something from your preselected things.

Also, I know that everybody is excited about this house and I love your parents and I honestly think that they’re great and are nice persons but if we agreed on something already, can we please just push through with that without you consulting your parents about it? I know you value your parents’ advice and I do too but there are just things that I believe, we can very well manage by ourselves.

I know you just want what’s best for the house and I honestly think you have a very good taste but sometimes…just sometimes, I wish you could also let me feel that I have a “say” on this house. Sure, you let me decide over things but I am not a stupid not to know that these are unimportant and are only given to me to decide on just to make me feel that I am also making some decisions.

I’ve always thought that I am strong-willed person so I am really surprise to find myself succumbing almost always.

Maybe I still am a strong-willed person.

Maybe that’s the reason why I have this burdensome feeling every time I “just” give in.

But why do I yield?

I know…

Ich liebe dich mein Schatz.

Kussl,
Schatzl

Finally, you have accepted the fact that you need someone to make your life complete. You accepted the reality that you need someone to grow old with. And you accepted the truth that you are not getting any younger. The next step to do now is… to set a mission. Draw a personal mission statement that will fuel your personal undertaking with burning desire.

Yes, you have to psyche yourself up that you are ready to dig in. Set a goal. Have a clear objective of what you want to do. Draw your personal aspiration. Present your mission statement with solid conviction. Come up with a hard rationale why you want to go on online dating. And find a firm motivation to make you decisive.

When you have decided that you want to invest on a cyber relationship, you already have an idea on how your fairytale will achieve the happy-ever-after. Of course, we all want that happy ending. We all want our relationship to last forever. We all want the till-death-do-us-part become a reality. But relationship is a hard work. So you better set that goal. What do you want in a relationship? What can you sacrifice for a relationship? How do you sustain a relationship? Like any relationship, we always look for the positives. But we should also consider the fact that there are always two sides of the coin.

Wanting a relationship means you know the difference between wants and needs. Are you looking for love because you want it or you need it? Because eventually you may be asked – Do you want me because you need me or you need me because you want me? You have to be ready to answer that question and justify your answer. Notice that I have not mentioned the magic word – LOVE, yet. Because love is the aftermath of all the troubles that you will go through… if and when you will get lucky. Please note that not all will be successful in finding one-true-love in Online Dating. Online Dating is only one of the options.

In any relationship, love should be one’s goal. But in reality, I know this is not all so true. There are people who are seeking “love” [the most abused word in the dictionary] for personal convenience and there are lots of those in Online Dating. And everybody who engaged in this dating business is aware of that. There is nothing wrong if you are looking for love because you are afraid to grow old alone, you just wanted a future. There is nothing wrong if you are looking for love because you need someone to pay your bills, you are just being practical. There is nothing wrong if you are looking for love because you want to go abroad, you just want to fulfill your dream. There is nothing wrong if you need a father/mother for your kids, you just need someone to lean on. Whatever your reason is, it could be considered a shallow “mission” just yet. But that could be the start. What is wrong is, taking advantage of that person you found online, using him/her and damping him/her once you get what you want. You will be surprised that there are lots of people with the same agenda as yours. But still there is really such a thing as “love in cyber-nation”. Just be honest with your purpose. You don’t have to say it bluntly and right away the first meeting or you will shoo that person right away.

My hubby was already engaged to be married to another Pinay [annulled with two kids] when I met him online. He told me that very first meeting that his Filipina girlfriend just died and he was lonely and he wanted to meet someone again. He was so honest from the very first time. I told him too that I was in a relationship that time and that my French boyfriend who supposed to come to the Philippines to meet me turned out to be a liar. So I was honest too. Eventually, we became closer by just being friends at first. Me – giving him advise and consoling him from his loneliness and him – making me feel important, needed and wanted… we end up liking each other. And the rest is history.

“True love” is a reality. There are people who found it. There are people who are living it. There are people who are enjoying it. Two people can find true love and whatever selfish reason one may have will be erased by the magic of love or rather, one’s pure intention will be blessed with a real happy-ever-after. And this – should be your VISION. ©

My mother used to tell me… Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses. And I did just that. I was a real good girl. I had a wonderful childhood. I had a fruitful transition from puberty to young adulthood. I became a successful adult in terms of career and personal life. I had my fair share of achievements, successes, and relationships here and there because I did what I was told.

Then my mother had a stroke. I had to give up a promising career and head back home to take care of her. I had no regrets. The corporate jungle was no longer a fun place, anyway. I was stressed out. Work was no longer exciting and fulfilling. And my personal life suffered a big blow. It was time to take a different path after all.

While my mother was recuperating, I went back to school to take units in Education. A change of career was the best thing for me to do at that time. I changed from being a corporate executive assistant to a high school teacher. It was a 360 degrees turn. But it was amazing.

I taught high school kids for 11 long years. It was the most life-changing experience for me. Life went on for me. And I was happy, productive and motivated. It was on the 4th year of my teaching career when my mom passed away. It was difficult but I moved on and continued teaching. Since then, my job took a lot of my time and before I knew it, I was already fast approaching my late 30s with no social life, no romantic involvement and no future plans. That’s what happened when I stopped smelling the roses.

I reached rock bottom when I hit 40. You know what they say, life begins at 40 and I have no life to begin with. My brother [the middle child] already has 3 wonderful kids whom I claimed my inspirations. What else can I do? I don’t have my own inspirations to brag, so I stole my brother’s kids for inspirations. I was avoiding class reunions. School works are my constant alibis. And I was a mess.

But with the magic of technology, I had not known that things for me will take a different twist. I can’t recall how it all started. All I knew was that my girlfriends [those who are still single and matured in age] and I were always playing joke that maybe we are meant for – The International Market. And so I took that joke seriously. Since I am not really interested and attracted to Filipino men, I finally took the most radical step to find my Prince Charming. So I went online. First time I did was to promote myself in Friendster one of the most popular social networks in the Philippines.

It may look as if I really took the joke seriously but it just so happened that it also worked for me. I met a lot of people [mostly guys] and had some unorthodox relationships online for a span of 4 years. Online relationship has become a world wide trend and I was there making history. It’s not a fictional thing that people are trying to figure out. I can’t say that everybody is doing it but it is happening. It is real. It is there and readily accessible to anyone interested, confused or curious.

I did meet someone. We had developed an understanding. We made plans. He came to meet me personally. But still it didn’t work out. I also met someone who promised me everything except the moon and the stars, but still didn’t happen. It was exasperating. Four years were too long for me. I realized that maybe I am not meant to go that route. And so I gave up. I’ve finally given up but still went online just to talk to friends but no longer fishing for big fish. But lo and behold… that very moment when I finally gave up… that was when I met the “love of my life”.

Finally, I was able to stop and smell the roses again. ©

I have been having doubts about whether I should post our story here or not.

You see if I let the whole world (that would be like 10-20 people who read this blog…hehe) read about us, I might be giving away some very personal information that we are not comfortable letting the public know about but I thought this blog is personal and it could be about anything but it is basically about us being in an interracial marriage so before I can reach out to my readers who are interested in this topic, I feel that I should tell them our story from the very beginning so… here it is.

***

At age 23, I quit working as an import/export clerk in a garment manufacturing company in the Philippines because like most of the young people in my country, I wanted to try my luck abroad. I thought it will be hard to get a job outside the country but it was actually too easy to for me to get a teaching job here in China. I met an agent online. She promised to find a school for me and in return, I should pay her a minimal amount. I agreed and after a few weeks, she called me and informed me that a school is waiting for me. It was sometime in November 2005 when I flew to China with half empty luggage and a heart full of hopes.

Right upon my arrival here, I realized that working abroad it is not as pleasant as I imagined it to be. My agent imposed a 50% off my salary as her cut and she demanded that I leave my passport to her. Other than the money I agreed to pay her for finding me a school, she’ll get her cut every month from my salary. It was very cunning of her not to mention these to me before I left my country and it was stupid of me not to ask about such important details. See, I signed the contract when I arrived here in China and that time, I am left with two choices. Either I stomach all that is in the contract or go back home to the Philippines without anything. I chose the less humiliating option—I stayed.

A small sized school three hours away from the second class city of Changchun became my workplace for a year. Within this year, I worked hard for a minimal salary, I got sick several times because I am not used to the weather, and I met a lot of people. I even fell in love, got into a relationship, and endured the pain of breaking up. All that happened in eight months and I remember swearing to immediately fly back home as son as I get my passport.

But there were also good things that happened before my year long contract ended. I came in contact with fellow teachers who later became friends and strangers who became acquaintances. Most importantly, Marcus and I met each other.

Marcus is a young engineer who has so must zest for traveling so without any responsibility holding him in Europe, he grabbed the opportunity to travel and work in China. He arrived here during the first few months of 2006 but I didn’t meet him until August of that year. I was not about to get into another relationship but I fell in love with him and he to me. He’s the most symphathic guy I’ve met and for him, I am the sweetest girl in the whole world. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am to him and we were not about to let each other go so when my contract ended, I stayed. We moved in together and two months later, we got engaged. Sure, we also had some disagreements, misunderstandings, and petty quarrels but we surpass them all. Another six months later, we got married in his lovely little home town in Austria.

The villa where we got married

It’s been six months since we utter our “I dos” and it still feels like we are in our honeymoon. I know it’s very early to say that this marriage is successful (I am not sure at which point in marriage can you say that) but I know that our love for each other and the bond between us are getting stronger each day and I feel that it is going to be like this for a very long time.

Written on : November 16, 2007

I have to clarify it first—I am not advertising or promoting Filipino/non-Filipino marriages. Also note that I am not a lawyer, these are just from my personal opinions are not supposed to be taken as legal advices.

I just would like to help those who are in Filipino/non-Filipino relationship. If you are planning to marry your Filipina girlfriend but don’t know where to start with the documentation, here are some pointers for you. If you are planning to marry your Filipino girlfriend in the Philippines, these are the documents you need:

Affidavit of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage: You can request this from your embassy in Manila. If your embassy does not give such document, you can get an Affidavit in Lieu of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage. Both documents are basically saying that there are no legal impediments to the marriage but before your embassy gives you this affidavit, you must first present some/all of the following (depends from which country you are from):

-Proof of Citizenship

– Proof of Termination of Previous Marriages (if you are divorced or widower)

– Parent’s Consent (if you are under 21 years old)

Once you have your affidavit of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage or the Affidavit in Lieu of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage from your embassy and once your girlfriend has the same from the Philippine National Statistics Office, you can then proceed to the Local Civil Registrar to apply for the Marriage License. Note that you also have to present the following to the Local Civil Registrar.

- Death Certificate or Divorce Decree which shows the termination of any previous marriage (if you are divorced or widower)

– Birth, Baptismal, and Residency Certificate of your Filipina girlfriend

– Parental consent or advice, if either (or both parties are) party is under age.

You have to wait at least 10 days before the Local Civil Registrar will issue your Marriage License. The Marriage License have 120 days before it expires and this marriage license can be used anywhere in the Philippines.

Sounds pretty simple but this could take time so process the documents early on. Best wishes.

Written On: August 9, 2007

Being with someone who is not of my nationality and knowing couples who are of different races give me a lot of insights about intercultural marriage and relationship. The main thing I have learned about being in this situation is that one cannot simply say “it will work” or “it will not work.” It largely depends on a lot of things. For the first part of this topic, I listed below two points that you might want to consider before plunging into an intercultural marriage.

It depends on how well the other accepts being in a relationship with somebody of another nationality. This is the very first thing to consider. Is your partner OK with the idea that you are from where you are? Is she/he not ashamed to introduce you with your real background to other people? This may seem stupid but other people have this problem. Some my say “She/He is Chinese was he/she was raised in the US”.If it’s true, then it’s OK but what if it’s not? It shows that your partner is not comfortable with the idea that you are from where you are, that you are raised the way you are raised, and probably some other things about you as well.

It depends on how open the couples are to each other’s upbringing, principles, beliefs, traditions, etc. This is obvious and this should be give great notice at the start of any intercultural relationship because this may cause a lot of problems in the future. Are you sure that he is OK with the idea that you are a Buddhist? That you must go to church every Sunday? That he/she should call your parents Mama and Papa instead of your parents’ first names? That he (if you are a girl) is supposed to give a dowry to your parents before marrying you? That you don’t shave where he/she expects you to shave? I can go on and on with these little things that may seem very funny to a lot of people but are causing problems to some. So talk about your sturdy beliefs, your must-follow-traditions, your principles, and etc with your partner before the “I do” part to avoid future embarrassments, misunderstandings, quarrels, and yes… divorce.

Do you hope that things will change? Say for instance—you hope that someday you’ll convince him/her that it is not bad to shower everyday. Haha. Goodluck. Ignoring things or tolerating them for the time being will not make it work. Listen, you will be with this person for there rest of your life, if there is something you don’t want from the start you should immediately discussed it with your partner and vise versa. I should stop here.

There are still more but I will discuss the rest on the second part so ‘till then.